BB and I have remained friends. Its been a hard transition and though we do have blurred lines in our relationship, we have kept relatively even keeled on most things. We are complicated at best, but it works for us. Fast forward to now.. In the last couple of months, I have been talking with him about being a sperm donor in my life. Yes I want another baby, but its complicated.. of course it is. I've been in tears a lot of the day, back and forth thinking about things and its just fucked up and i don't want to deal with it anymore. have i changed my stance? no, i still want it to be him, but not at the cost of our friendship.
Lets go back a time or two and gain a little insight. I had just come back from vacation with my daughter and was telling him i wish i had another, and how great it would be and fun, etc. and he says (jokingly)"well if you wanted to get knocked, up, i can help you with that" so i said, don't joke about that shit.. but would you? he said yeah he would and from there it created a dialogue. Well of course my interested was piqued and I thought.. well hell. someone i trust, someone that is in good health, who has beautiful children, that would be amazing. But there are certain complications to all that.
Before discussing any of it with me, he discussed it with two of his kids and his mom. They all had the same conclusion, what would that mean for us, we are on board, but.. we would have a (insert family member here), would we be able to see them, what would our role be and how will you (bb) feel emotionally. This is all considering we spend a good bit of time together.
Of course that crosses my mind, what does that mean for everyone. I talked to his daughter about it because we are fairly close and she talked to be about her concerns and i told her how i felt and it was a good conversation. Its more than he and i have ever talked about it. But he said he wants to talk to his lawyer friend, (fair) and figure it all out. I told him that he and i need to talk more about where i'm coming from before all that, he has talked to everyone BUT me. So he just takes all this one and doesn't consider where i'm at, what i want, what I would do, etc. He doesn't want to raise another child, he is proud that his kids all came from the same woman, but seeing the child, would he be able to not be a "dad" I've assured him that he can take whatever role he wants.. but this is what I want. There is a lot to iron out.
So we hang out, we have sex and he finishes inside of me.. now this happens on multiple occasions and I always followed the rule that "actions speak louder than words" it just kind of does.. so when he did that, my brain immediately thought.. wow.. he is really on board, so then I think.. ok maybe i'm pregnant, then let down when my period arrived.
Last night he comes over and we get to talking and he tells me.. my dad can't ever know, i haven't figured it out yet, i want to do this for you but i still have a lot to work out.. well shit.. then why would he even consider finishing inside of me if he wasn't sure? He said its not like he would ask me to get rid of it if it happened but we would deal with it then.. I can't even fathom the zero sense that makes and my head goes spinning. He tells me today that he feels pressured and at first it was flattering but its gone beyond that. I don't even know what to do.. but i feel so let down, you dangle a carrot for someone, you act a certain way with them, then you're like, i'm not there? this isnt the first time.. i was his girlfriend.. i was his gypsy.. then he wasn't ready. Its like when it becomes to real for him, he blames the other person.. you got to close, or you made it too much, i felt pressured..
I'm hurt, my heart aches and i just want to wash my hands of him. because its been hurting too much to be his friend. I don't want to lose what we have, I don't want to lose his family, his daughter and his mom and his sons just mean the fucking world to me. But I can't just keep on doing this. You don't tell someone you will do something for them then say.. "but"
i'm fucking over being hurt by men.
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