One recurring theme in my life is that i realize that people often "spare my feelings" am i too sensitive for the world? perhaps,but I often want the best in it all that i don't see the bad. Sadly though, i always feel that shift. I know when things are different because I can feel it.
He called me and we talked for 3 hours. Recently, he had seen his therapist and she mentioned to him, or reminded him, that he said he wasn't going to get into a relationship.. then he found me. we connected on this real level that I haven't felt with anyone.. sure, i've said that in the past, but this time, i felt it.. i knew it was real. He said he knew, and I"m not sure, as i cannot recall his response, but she said "how do you think that makes her feel". smart gal, i like her. She was right.. i'm putting in my all, I said I would love him in my all and i gave nothing less. Whats the point if you're only half in. That's not to say he was.. that just means why half ass something, especially your involvement in someone's feelings. I knew he gave me all he had to give.
I asked him how long he had known.. he said a couple of weeks.. yes that's about when i felt the shift.. I was depressed, i thought it showed, he said i seemed fine but truth is, I pull back and get shy because I"m worried of losing him and I give more love.. I think that's what made it hard on him. He didn't want to hurt me, he said, I wasn't ready to lose you in my life. The truth is, I'm not either. I told him we would always be friends. Part of me will always hope that someday, he is my ever after,, I even told him that in the back of my mind, some of the best romances come from the best of friends. In my head now, I know that's all a pipe dream. I know he will find what he is looking for and I know that its not me.
He said what he needs is a friend. That's what he thought i was. I reminded him that he told me i was his lady, his girlfriend, and when we are out, i tell people "I'm with BB" I also reminded him that he said he would love nothing more than to give my child a sibling and for them to carry on his name. I reminded him that he said if he were in a different place he would marry me and make my child his. What woman, who is already falling for this amazing, incredible soul, would not want to hear those things. and what woman would not fall harder.. Sure, when he told me he found his gypsy, I told him it wasn't fair for him to say that, but that doesn't mean it didn't resonate somewhere in my heart, in my soul, in my head.. I have cried many tears... this one by far is the hardest. We are still friends, I'm going over to his house tonight to watch the show "This is us". He is making cauliflower soup and I have been instructed to sit next to him.
This is going to be a hard road.. I don't think I will be in his life long.. I would want to hope for the best, but I usually am not wrong with my intuition, i just like to ignore it and pretend I don't see it for what it is.
