Letter to my BB

Contentment in a relationship has not often found me.  I don't feel like I have anyone to be other than myself.  This is how it is supposed to be, yeah?  perhaps.  I wrote a letter to him and gave it to him which i was going to post here but its rather long.. and I have a lot to say, perhaps I make two posts today.. Here is the letter I gave him:

11/8/16

BB,

I thought about writing you an open letter on my blog but that would require me giving you a link. I don’t think I’m ready for that.  Furthermore, neither are you.

We’ve discussed on many occasions that we, as a union, are a temporary fixture in time.  We do have different paths and discussing it every time we talk doesn’t help feeling the impending doom of our finality in our current euphoric state of love.  We both know the time will come. 

As I said tonight, I deserve to be loved as much as I deserve to give love and vice versa.  Saying that we one day have an expiration date just takes away from what we are experiencing.

Truth is - I love you- you love me and the last thing we want to do is hurt one another.  I feel that maybe you telling me all of this also helps keep you grounded, you don’t think I see your walls.  You’re afraid to get hurt as much as I am.  But I need you to trust in that love, trust that, as friends, we will know that line and respect it.

I’m not the perfect, or “ideal her” for you.  I’m not good enough for that. I’m ok with that. I know you want to love me with your whole being but want to also see that wall you set in place to protect your also tender heart.

You’ve been broken before – I won’t break you.  I can promise to love you and give you the best love I can give. 

Have you ever seen the movie Gattaca?  If not, we will watch it together- but know this- “ I never saved anything for the swim back.”
Maybe that’s cryptic - to me, what I mean is I’m giving you my all because that’s how I know to love.  Understand I know what lies ahead and embrace that my heart will survive.  I don’t plan on holding back and protecting my heart - if you love someone, you give them your all.

You tell me – “If I was in a different place, I’d marry you and make her (my daughter) mine.”  Tonight you said if I had your child, they would have your last name- if that were ever the case, I’d plead for my daughter to also be a (his last name).  You tell me these things to tell me how much I mean to you - how much you love me – I see that.  But in the end, regardless of what you say and what we both long for – the stars have only aligned for - well, for whatever it is we are supposed to have.

In the end, can we just live that - be free to take it one step at a time – fall in love with every piece of one another and just enjoy the moments as they come?

Thinking about the future only dampens the here and now – I want to live in the moment, to ride the wave and just be. 

I could easily love you for the rest of my days – I see it in your eyes and I feel it in my soul.  I could just as easily tell you I’d love nothing more than for you to give my daughter a sibling and we forever share that bond in which we’ve given life and all that comes with it, but when we get down to the brass tacks, you’re a force not to be tied down.  You need to live and explore your life in a different way.  You’ll love me forever and I you- I’d even give you Spain- because I know it’s in your desires.

In the end, I give you all of me because that’s all I have to give.

You are meant to love me, to show me what a true love should be.  I do not yet know what my purpose in your life is, but I know we will discover that in time.

You’ll be my forever friend

I will be ok.

Love me for now – Love me always.

But follow your path as I will follow where my stars lead -  Know this – don’t worry about me, I’ll always be your friend and I will be your lover as long as I am meant to be.

Love your Boho Gypsy-