Just be.

How can time fly when it stands still. This week has been the longest, in a good way, of my life. My bohemian love is blooming in this incredible way.. my explanation of how things are going would pale in comparison in what I'm actually living. I've never been a word smith but I speak from the heart. My heart is content. It's an odd feeling. In the past I've always had this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. I thought that's what it was supposed to feel like. Why does it feel so different this time? Why is it so perfect? Shall I even label it 'perfect'? Why wouldn't I?
This evening BB made dinner for me, my daughter, his daughter and it was like this great family night engagement. I wasn't sure what to think of it. As I said in the past, I am cautious about introducing men to my daughter. I even sent my best friend a picture of BB and my daughter reading and drawing. She said "introducing him to the babe already?" I told her it was different.. there are no issues in this space. I don't know, everything feels so right but there is this but.
He told me that it was a shame that we didn't meet 3 years ago and she wasn't his. He also mentioned that he didn't really get this time with his daughter.. There was some difficulties in the relationship with his ex and his daughter just having this space apart. As he sits here now playing with my girl, he says " I missed so much" I know that he is loving on my love. I think part of him has a guilt that is picking up on lost time. But I know that's totally separate than what he is feeling with my daughter. Its a hard dynamic to wrap our heads around.

I was on the couch breastfeeding my love and he said, "can i be a part of this moment?" He sat beside us as he caressed my head and hers.. just taking in the moment. His daughter came in and he said something referencing her and him but said "daddy" i took it to mean that he is his daughters daddy but to him he had a moment where he felt like mine was his. He stepped outside and took time away.from us. I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to claim ownership to her. He and i are in such different places and all this is hard for me to wrap my head around but i'm trying to not define all of this and fuck it up. The funny thing is, I don't want to. i want to be. Just be



He and I have a profound love and respect for one another. Its only been a week but we have this magic bond between us... like I said "perfect" FUCK ME. I don't want a father for my girl, but he does want to be in her life forever, I have promised him that. I know he will be, that's the beauty of it. The bittersweet moment in all of this is I'm just afraid that that's all she is going to get is that good enough??. Not because he and I have different paths but because I'm afraid that he may be the best she ever gets.. and it may just be a blink in the span of beauty she will experience. I hope she remembers all she can.. He is a good man, a loving man.. my heart is full.