gypsy love

He read the letter, he cried, he called me, he tells me I mean the world to him.  Remember how much he abhors the phone?  we spent 5 hours on it the other night.. I haven't done that since I had my first boyfriend.  I connect with him so immensely.  One night we went to the local hot springs and we had some beer, and we drank and swam and talked and something I said made him grab my waist, look me deep in my eyes and say " I have found my gypsy"  I told him he can't say that and at the same time tell me that we are not forever... gosh, it can all be so confusing.  I would love nothing more than to be that for him, to love him for all of my days but I"m not counting my chickens.  One night we made love, we did not have sex but we laid in bed naked just talking to one another.


 It was the night of the super moon and we just connected and cried and laughed and shared our lives.  That's what love is to me... sharing and giving and receiving love and an experience so profound with another person that it deepens the bond between the souls.  Have I had this before?  I thought so.  Perhaps things change over time, we grow in love as we get older, we find the captivating nature in another that bonds us over the lust and fleeting love we once knew.  Some say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I am thankful for my experience in that department.  True love in my life.. i thought I had it time and time again, but this time, I do believe that he loves me wholly and truly.  The night we made love he looked into my eyes and said, "I do want to ruin all men for you, you deserve to know what its like to be loved truly."  that last part is a little hazy but that's the gist.

Loving a man like him is easy.  We all have our baggage, we have our stories, but when you receive what you give out, its the most fucking magnificent thing out there.  As I said, contentment.  He is warmth, he is kindness, caring, love and heart. At the end, I hope this is a big chapter in love for me..

Letter to my BB

Contentment in a relationship has not often found me.  I don't feel like I have anyone to be other than myself.  This is how it is supposed to be, yeah?  perhaps.  I wrote a letter to him and gave it to him which i was going to post here but its rather long.. and I have a lot to say, perhaps I make two posts today.. Here is the letter I gave him:

11/8/16

BB,

I thought about writing you an open letter on my blog but that would require me giving you a link. I don’t think I’m ready for that.  Furthermore, neither are you.

We’ve discussed on many occasions that we, as a union, are a temporary fixture in time.  We do have different paths and discussing it every time we talk doesn’t help feeling the impending doom of our finality in our current euphoric state of love.  We both know the time will come. 

As I said tonight, I deserve to be loved as much as I deserve to give love and vice versa.  Saying that we one day have an expiration date just takes away from what we are experiencing.

Truth is - I love you- you love me and the last thing we want to do is hurt one another.  I feel that maybe you telling me all of this also helps keep you grounded, you don’t think I see your walls.  You’re afraid to get hurt as much as I am.  But I need you to trust in that love, trust that, as friends, we will know that line and respect it.

I’m not the perfect, or “ideal her” for you.  I’m not good enough for that. I’m ok with that. I know you want to love me with your whole being but want to also see that wall you set in place to protect your also tender heart.

You’ve been broken before – I won’t break you.  I can promise to love you and give you the best love I can give. 

Have you ever seen the movie Gattaca?  If not, we will watch it together- but know this- “ I never saved anything for the swim back.”
Maybe that’s cryptic - to me, what I mean is I’m giving you my all because that’s how I know to love.  Understand I know what lies ahead and embrace that my heart will survive.  I don’t plan on holding back and protecting my heart - if you love someone, you give them your all.

You tell me – “If I was in a different place, I’d marry you and make her (my daughter) mine.”  Tonight you said if I had your child, they would have your last name- if that were ever the case, I’d plead for my daughter to also be a (his last name).  You tell me these things to tell me how much I mean to you - how much you love me – I see that.  But in the end, regardless of what you say and what we both long for – the stars have only aligned for - well, for whatever it is we are supposed to have.

In the end, can we just live that - be free to take it one step at a time – fall in love with every piece of one another and just enjoy the moments as they come?

Thinking about the future only dampens the here and now – I want to live in the moment, to ride the wave and just be. 

I could easily love you for the rest of my days – I see it in your eyes and I feel it in my soul.  I could just as easily tell you I’d love nothing more than for you to give my daughter a sibling and we forever share that bond in which we’ve given life and all that comes with it, but when we get down to the brass tacks, you’re a force not to be tied down.  You need to live and explore your life in a different way.  You’ll love me forever and I you- I’d even give you Spain- because I know it’s in your desires.

In the end, I give you all of me because that’s all I have to give.

You are meant to love me, to show me what a true love should be.  I do not yet know what my purpose in your life is, but I know we will discover that in time.

You’ll be my forever friend

I will be ok.

Love me for now – Love me always.

But follow your path as I will follow where my stars lead -  Know this – don’t worry about me, I’ll always be your friend and I will be your lover as long as I am meant to be.

Love your Boho Gypsy- 

Just be.

How can time fly when it stands still. This week has been the longest, in a good way, of my life. My bohemian love is blooming in this incredible way.. my explanation of how things are going would pale in comparison in what I'm actually living. I've never been a word smith but I speak from the heart. My heart is content. It's an odd feeling. In the past I've always had this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. I thought that's what it was supposed to feel like. Why does it feel so different this time? Why is it so perfect? Shall I even label it 'perfect'? Why wouldn't I?
This evening BB made dinner for me, my daughter, his daughter and it was like this great family night engagement. I wasn't sure what to think of it. As I said in the past, I am cautious about introducing men to my daughter. I even sent my best friend a picture of BB and my daughter reading and drawing. She said "introducing him to the babe already?" I told her it was different.. there are no issues in this space. I don't know, everything feels so right but there is this but.
He told me that it was a shame that we didn't meet 3 years ago and she wasn't his. He also mentioned that he didn't really get this time with his daughter.. There was some difficulties in the relationship with his ex and his daughter just having this space apart. As he sits here now playing with my girl, he says " I missed so much" I know that he is loving on my love. I think part of him has a guilt that is picking up on lost time. But I know that's totally separate than what he is feeling with my daughter. Its a hard dynamic to wrap our heads around.

I was on the couch breastfeeding my love and he said, "can i be a part of this moment?" He sat beside us as he caressed my head and hers.. just taking in the moment. His daughter came in and he said something referencing her and him but said "daddy" i took it to mean that he is his daughters daddy but to him he had a moment where he felt like mine was his. He stepped outside and took time away.from us. I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to claim ownership to her. He and i are in such different places and all this is hard for me to wrap my head around but i'm trying to not define all of this and fuck it up. The funny thing is, I don't want to. i want to be. Just be



He and I have a profound love and respect for one another. Its only been a week but we have this magic bond between us... like I said "perfect" FUCK ME. I don't want a father for my girl, but he does want to be in her life forever, I have promised him that. I know he will be, that's the beauty of it. The bittersweet moment in all of this is I'm just afraid that that's all she is going to get is that good enough??. Not because he and I have different paths but because I'm afraid that he may be the best she ever gets.. and it may just be a blink in the span of beauty she will experience. I hope she remembers all she can.. He is a good man, a loving man.. my heart is full.