I do, I'm the girl that loves love. perhaps its something I have always wanted, that whimsical romance, the movie ending , the fairytale. But its never like that for me.. I figure everyone deserves love... I'd love to love, whether I have a fleeting romance or a lifetime love, I just want to love and be loved. Can't blame someone for wanting that.
Fast forward to where I am now. I've been talking to the Bohemian Biker, or BB for short, and turns out we knew each other in a past time in our lives. He happened to be friends with my brother in their youth and he recalls me as being the bratty little kid sister. We hadn't known that when we initially messaged on the dating site. He intrigued me a couple of years ago. Truth be told, I had been on there when I was pregnant, looking for someone to occupy my time and just enjoy their company. I was about to embark on a life changing endeavor of becoming a mother and I was looking for companionship. I tried messaged him and I wasn't able to because I needed to upgrade my profile. It wasn't meant to be... A couple years later, I come across him again and just can't help myself. Not only is he very good looking, he has this incredibly well written and thought out profile and I just could not resist.
A month later and we finally meet for the first time. We have an incredible first night and we spend hours talking on the phone and enjoying each others stories and company after that. This is someone who hates the phone but tonight he said my voice is so calming to him and as much as he abhors the phone, he looks forward to just talking to me on it. FUCK.. I enjoy it too.. but he tells me, and this isn't the first time we've talked about it.. he says, "your profile says you're going to California, I don't want you to fall so deeply in love with me that you change your path and stay here." He wasn't saying that to be vain, and said he wasn't worth someone changing their stars for.. also not to degrade himself.. I know where he is coming from... I know what he means.
I told my niece today that this is going to be the man that ruins all other men for me. Never have I ever felt so comfortable being around someone and just standing there in his kitchen tonight, he leaned in, kissed me and took me by surprise. The first night, we danced in his kitchen, he played me music, he makes art.. he is just a force..
I will fall in love with this man. I know this, I know how I operate. I told him I need to put up walls because I don't want to be hurt. I do want to enjoy it for what it is. We know our endings have different paths but we so want to experience a piece of life with one another. I want another child, his are grown. It's a complicated scenario.. I don't know what I need from it.. I do know that he crossed my path more than once in this life and this was the time for us to meet. People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,, and though he may be here for a lifetime as a friend, as that what we both want.. I know there is a reason he is here. as it stands, he is the father of the zodiac and I the mother.. we will have a connection of great force , I know it.
He met my daughter tonight.. I vowed that I would never let a man meet her until I dated him for a significant amount of time. I broke that vow. he knows his daughter will get attached to me, and my daughter will get attached to him.. both of us know we will likely fall in love with each other.. but what he fears is that i will fall so deeply that my blinders will go on and see only him. It reminded me of is this quote that I came across, it's true..
But the ironic thing.. California is my heart of hearts. It is going to take some time to get to where I need to be there.. but whats to say your path can't change and evolve. My business will take time to get up and running there. I just signed a lease on an apartment for a year.. its not going to happen overnight. But what if I do fall in love.. with him or someone else. I thought about it when I was dating the last guy. If I fall for him, I know he doesn't want to leave this state. That said, what do I do? I have always believed in this "life is too short to not love what you're doing and who you're spending your time with" The rest is all relative, is it not? I can do my business anywhere and that's the glory of it. I thought about, if I fell for someone and we wanted to make a life together. How do I balance that in which I love and that in who I love. The fact is, where I live currently is cheap. My occupation affords me to travel in my life and experience what I need and want to gain from the career. If I wanted to market to advertisers, I can do that. They can be in Cali, or NYC or wherever and I can jet off to these places and fulfill my need and desire for that piece. They say that the grass is always greener.. if I move from my landlocked state, will my appreciation for the ocean depreciate? I did that with the mountains. I took them for granted when I was here and missed them when I am gone. I am in a constant state of nostalgia. I long for the good memories in the life I experienced. I sometimes live in a the world of future thoughts and past memories that give me the false sense of reality for my present.
Do I want to live in California? Yes. Do I want to fall in love? Yes. Can I have both? Yes. Can I fall in love with someone here that will stay here? that's yet to be determined. I don't want to change my life plan or life path for someone, for anyone other than myself.. but I do think about it, about the balance and compromise. I can travel and live and love the things I love about california.. from anywhere.. If I live here, work in bigger cities and make more money while living cheaply, I don't really have to "live" here.. I can live everywhere. and have this as home base. Nothing is ever set in stone and life is ever changing.. I don't know how to convey all of these thoughts to someone that won't think I'm a lunatic for that. I would never change my life for him, but I would change it for me.. but if all of these things really happened.. would he see it that way?? He will break me, he will push me and my heart will ache. It will ache like it never has ached.. but I know this is a man who will forever be a friend.. he may start out as a lover but people like him don't come around but seldom on a dream in the wind...
Perhaps I will have a story like this one day.. Have your tissues ready (AUDIO) I have always wanted a romance that left me knowing that I loved with all I had and that it was beyond me as to why it had to end.. not because I was unloved, but because I loved too much and it was just the end.. to love freely.. without abandon. the story is in the stars and one day I will know what it all meant. for now.. I'm going to enjoy BB and be loved that I should have been all along, if only for a small slice in my time here.
