This is a long time in the making. The day I wrote the last post was sometime last June, honestly a lot has happened in that time.. I'll try and condense this as best I can.
They say you should trust you intuition... as much as I am a firm believer of trusting your gut, I have always been known to be wrong,, do I pick the wrong side of that argument or has it led me astray too many times to know whats right and what is not? The "man" I was dating, this cowboy character ended up being a sociopath and was talking to practically every girl under the sun. I questioned a couple of facebook friend adds and he justified it, so i always thought perhaps it was my paranoia. I delved in deeper and saw all the "likes" he gave their profile pictures. The pattern was much like how it was when he met me and friended me. There were a few other instances but I brushed it off and blamed it on my insecurities. I also blamed it on my recent diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder which in basic terms means I have attachment and abandonment issues.
I also had a moment with his mother. the night i cried, i remember it well, it was the 4th of July and he was just hammering me down about my business and how i needed to do this or that to be successful. i'm thinking.. bitch, you don't know the first thing of this.. you've never successfully done this same business and frankly i'm sick of people telling me what they think is best (from an outside point of view). But instead of being my inner self, I let myself just cry instead because i haven't learned to have a firm hand when talking to lots of people. His mother just told me if i wanted to keep him, I need to stop crying, because he has dated women with depression before and they never lasted. I was furious.. how dare she tell me what is what.. i'm not allowed to have an emotion? little did I know, I was just in the beginning stages of forming a zygote and that probably didn't help matters any.
Fast forward to July 16th and I'm sitting with my doctor and she is telling me that yes, in fact I am actually pregnant, they tested me 3 times, had 3 docs look at it.. it was confirmed. I ordered a blood test just to make sure, one of the medications I was taking could have a false positive, so the waiting game began. I wasn't even due to have missed my period yet, but there I was.. I knew something wasn't right. For me, it was a thought that jumped back to him saying "I'm sterile" The story he told me at the time was so believable. So, while I waited for the blood test and the results from said test, I just tried to wrap my head around what all of it meant. I told him when I came back from the doctor, before the blood test and we sat in my car, i asked him when he was last tested for his infertility. He said it was around March of 2013, whereas before he told me it was every 6 months. I then showed him all three tests and said i was pregnant. He practically jumped for joy. I can't even recall what he said at this time, but he was happy.
10 days later was his 30th Birthday, my brother's house was the gathering place, we had a BBQ and everyone came together to celebrate his birthday.. we also told my family that I was expecting and there was a brief silence (i don't recall this but it was there i was told) then cheers.my parents were showing excitement.. dad said i'd have a girl and he's usually spot on.. like a baby whisperer lol. The night before we had an evening with his mother and told her about it, i remember him rambling on (drunk) about how he wanted 10 kids, a big family and just on and on.. he already had a son and this little bean was about to be #2... or was she?
A month later I start having some issues with the pregnancy and am scared i'm going to miscarry. He disappears saying he needs "time to himself" well come to find out, he was actually hanging out with a new girl and I found out through his ex wife.. yeah.. just all kinds of fucked up. So, I stop talking to him, he makes threats about me not saying this or that and to watch who i talk shit to (about him). I don't have it in me to talk shit, I only speak the truth as it is and i'm not about airing things publicly to the highest degree. I know where my boundaries are.
I don't hear from him for 2 months, then his brother dies and he contacts me to let me know, though i'd already heard about it on the news as it was a local vehicle accident. I offer condolences and he doesn't ask about the baby, just says he hopes we are well. A week later, I get a call from a trusted source who tells me about another woman who is pregnant by the cowboy.. yeah.. she apparently got knocked up a month before me. my heart sinks.. though there is nothing i can do at this point. I get the facts and just think for a bit.
A week or so later, I meet this gal, we confirm the same things and lo and behold.. she got pregnant just 4 weeks before me. They dated long ago and this was just something that happened (i won't get into too many details as its not my story to tell). So here we are.. what do we do.. just wait and see what happens.. nothing we can really do. I reach out to his son's mom and ask her how she feels about the kids having a relationship but she just isn't having it. I already know i'm going to be very honest about how things are, who the siblings are, etc.
December hits now and I hear from the donor once again and this time its about how i better not "take him for child support" and just a myriad of things he chooses to berate me for and say he "takes care of his kids" he admits to the 2nd child.. and of course i don't respond, there is nothign to say.. but in that entire time, there wasn't once where he asked about the baby.. so how much does he really care? Not at all.
I'm afraid i'm going to have to fight hard for this one, which is ok, i'm not one to back down - stubborn to a fault. As far as I know, only his mother knows about the 2nd child, a girl, but they all know about mine. That said, I feel like there will be more pull from them and influence on him to connect with me which will lead him to trash talk me and blame me for his poor relationship with my child, much like he did with his son's mother. The reality, he has made his bed and will continue to blame everyone else for actions that he has, himself, caused. He doesn't phase me anymore. All I care about is having a happy healthy baby and the good life i can give her. She's due in just a few days and i couldn't be more excited to hold her in my arms and have my life forever changed with a love that will never falter.
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