Some people change, well that's not true, some people grow. I thought that time heals all wounds.. apparently it doesn't. I happen to be a grower, I realize my mistakes and try to make better out of them. its taken a long time to get to that point and I know there is still growing that I can do, i accept that. I guess my frustration today comes from the past, a place that I thought was behind me. My previous post was so wrong, I was wrong about it all, I can see this, I admit I was hopeful. so here's the story:
I finally got called into work, all my efforts have not been in vain, I came to new york, I looked for work, I found work! i did it! I wanted to celebrate of course, so since LOD and i were supposed to hang out during the weekend with friends and that feel through, i figured why not anyway, we had a great lunch, it will be fun with drinks and all that jazz. So I text him and say, hey, drinks to celebrate, I had sent him similar messages for this weekend previously but the iPhone sometimes doesn't respond to my messages.. plus Verizon had issues the other day and since i didn't hear back, I figured it was lost in cellular space. The message i got back from asking to hang out this weekend (originally planned but with more people) was: "(name), Sweetie, You're apparently living here again now, and if you're happy that's great, we are not going to be hanging out though--I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is a fact. I'm sure I don't need to explain myself..." I had no idea, of course this came as a shock.. if we weren't going to be hanging out, why did we have lunch together, why did he tell me "see you next weekend?! So I just wrote back "ok, I'm sorry to bother, i just figured since we had lunch and it wasn't bad, and we were going to hang out with friends, I thought we were on decent terms. I understand , if you want me to erase your number, I can. I just got a 'we were friendly" vibe from you last week, i'm sorry hun i didn't know" Then i added "I'm sorry , i just figured the whole lunch thing.. I will leave you alone good luck with everything and well if you ever need anything you know where to reach me, I will erase your number, take care" I wholeheartedly meant what I said. The last thing i wanted to be was someone in his life who he didn't want there. the reply I got back was "stop being so fucking dramatic...i'm fine to have lunch or drinks here and there but texts nightly is a bit much" well if he'd responded in the first place it wouldn't be, i jsut figured it was an iphone issue or verizon, whatever, and secondly WTF was i doing if not inviting him out for a drink ugh wahtever.. but i was super hurt by this, i really had meant what i said, I wasn't some 25 year old in fucking tears going FINE THEN ILL JUST DELETE YOU, which im sure we can all say we've done probably once in our lives out of rage lol but thats how he saw it, I replied, "I'm not being dramatic silly, I just want to have a good time with good people, i really do wish you the best, I am in a good place with things and I just don't want to bug ya, trust me the old (name) is the old (name) I've grown a lot, i'm not mad or angry I just want to celebrate and get out of the house, I have no expectations, I just want to have fun"
That was the last of our conversation, my heart sank, I hadn't been angry before but I was so infuriated by the time i get home, I have changed, i'm a good person, I've learned to keep my attitude in check (for the most part) but the reality of it is, i've learned from so many things in my life, especially where he is concerned, and realized how to curb some of that behavior that was unsavory. Like I said, we fought a lot.. I didn't want a relationship like that and it took me 3 years but damnit, i am a better person. He will never see it and that is that. i can't change the past, I can learn from it and grow and I continue to be a better person all the way around, the next man will be happy he has a woman like me, wherever he is.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. -Maria Robinson
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