Is friendship to be my methadone?

I've had a lot of thoughts in and out of my head from directions internally and externally.  External thoughts always make it more difficult on me.  I never really like to hear what they have to say, some naysayers, some just knowing to let me throw a little caution to the wind and just say, " i just want you to be happy"  no matter what comes of it, i know i will be ok.. eventually... Here is a conversation i had with a good friend today:

Me: oh... well

i contacted LOD

so now he officially knows im in nyc... i asked him to lunch, he said hes pretty busy this week but im sure i will see him

(he's the ex fiancee)

Superman: right, i remember. hmmm what do you think? whats the "vibe" you are getting from him?

Me: normal LOD.. hes being friendly not overtly so.. but he is talking to me, which means im sure hes not dating someone because.. well he wouldn't respond if he was

Superman:you know him better than most i guess. Take it slow, im sure things will blossom into whatever they are supposed to be.

Me: there will be no blossoming, i am sure of it. but i just can't help myself, hes my heroin

Superman: well even if its just into better friends again. even that would help ween your way off him in "that" way so you can find a new drug... or maybe next time you can be the needle

Me: yeah well .. we shall see. is friendship to be my methadone?

addicts always go back

Superman: what good is a drug without the addict? he wouldn't be talking to you if he didn't get something out of it too.
Me: you offer a different perspective, i like that

Superman: I try lol.

Me: i hadn't thought about it, why he is in fact talking to me

Superman: because you give him a reason to WANT to talk to you. Sometimes its really that simple sweetie.

Me: huh.. interesting

i never really thought about it like that at all.. me giving him a reason to talk to me?? i guess i see how much i value myself......... i never thought that as an option

Its funny how things in life we see from mostly our own point of view, then someone else comes along and says something to make you think about it completely differently.  Why is it that i view myself as less than i should, most of us do that right?  i am my own worst enemy in a lot of ways, in love especially.  I never think im good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or cool enough.. FUCK, i am me, why do i go through these phases of life that allow me to be down on myself and other times i'm like fuck the world i'm one bad ass queen bitch (as one friend put it) lol

Why do i tell the world?  i never want the worlds advice, i always want the reassurance, Do i want your advice?  no.. i tell  you because i want you to tell me it will be ok, even if you don't think it will be.  I live in a world with rose colored glasses with a heart of gold and glass, she breaks easy but i'm just hopeful. 

Superman planted a seed in my head today.. another friend planted a seed not long ago that i flipped out on.  This friend was a mutual friend of LOD and I, he recently moved back from cali to NYC, and i had a facebook status that said:
 Dear Colorado,

You disappoint me with your weather. 81 yesterday, possible snow tomorrow and wind today that will blow away your knickers in a gust of fury.

Sincerely,
I wish I still lived in California
 the following comments were the last bits of what he and i exchanged: 
Him: Not cali!! NY!! 

Me: you know thats crossed my mind as well good sir! how does it feel to be back?Like i shouldnt have left :)thats how i felt when i was there in July for my birthday, although there were a few hiccups there as well 

Him: Eh... anything worth anything, is worth fighting for... just sayin...

Me: i probably read that in a way i shouldn't, but i agree with you

 

My thoughts are immediately redirected toward LOD because i do believe anything worth anything is worth fighting for, and he and i are worth fighting for... its been a back and forth in my life for so long and its just the worst feeling ever. 

 

No matter where i am in this world, my thoughts will always go to him and it will just have to be there and take its course.  i can't change how i feel, i can change how i react. but I know that i will never get over him, I will always love him, as I said, but its a love that i may just have to hold inside for years to come.