Don't give up

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I saw this video today and it just put tears in my eyes. the joy the love the excitement,  there's so many times i feel like giving up on love.. then i see something like this and remember its worth fighting for.  enjoy.

no expectations

Some people change, well that's not true, some people grow.  I thought that time heals all wounds.. apparently it doesn't.  I happen to be a grower, I realize my mistakes and try to make better out of them.  its taken a long time to get to that point and I know there is still growing that I can do, i accept that.  I guess my frustration today comes from the past, a place that I thought was behind me.  My previous post was so wrong, I was wrong about it all, I can see this, I admit I was hopeful.  so here's the story:

I finally got called into work, all my efforts have not been in vain, I came to new york, I looked for work, I found work!  i did it!  I wanted to celebrate of course, so since LOD and i were supposed to hang out during the weekend with friends and that feel through, i figured why not anyway, we had a great lunch, it will be fun with drinks and all that jazz.  So I text him and say, hey, drinks to celebrate, I had sent him similar messages for this weekend previously but the iPhone sometimes doesn't respond to my messages.. plus Verizon had issues the other day and since i didn't hear back, I figured it was lost in cellular space.  The message i got back from asking to hang out this weekend (originally planned but with more people) was: "(name), Sweetie, You're apparently living here again now, and if you're happy that's great, we are not going to be hanging out though--I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is a fact.  I'm sure I don't need to explain myself..."  I had no idea, of course this came as a shock.. if we weren't going to be hanging out, why did we have lunch together, why did he tell me "see you next weekend?!  So I just wrote back "ok, I'm sorry to bother, i just figured since we had lunch and it wasn't bad, and we were going to hang out with friends, I thought we were on decent terms.  I understand , if you want me to erase your number, I can.  I just got a 'we were friendly" vibe from you last week, i'm sorry hun i didn't know"  Then i added "I'm sorry , i just figured the whole lunch thing.. I will leave you alone good luck with everything and well if you ever need anything you know where to reach me, I will erase your number, take care"  I wholeheartedly meant what I said.  The last thing i wanted to be was someone in his life who he didn't want there.  the reply I got back was "stop being so fucking dramatic...i'm fine to have lunch or drinks here and there but texts nightly is a bit much" well if he'd responded in the first place it wouldn't be, i jsut figured it was an iphone issue or verizon, whatever, and secondly WTF was i doing if not inviting him out for a drink  ugh wahtever.. but i was super hurt by this, i really had meant what i said, I wasn't some 25 year old in fucking tears going FINE THEN ILL JUST DELETE YOU, which im sure we can all say we've done probably once in our lives out of rage lol  but thats how he saw it, I replied, "I'm not being dramatic silly, I just want to have a good time with good people, i really do wish you the best, I am in a good place with things and I just don't want to bug ya, trust me the old (name) is the old (name) I've grown a lot, i'm not mad or angry I just want to celebrate and get out of the house, I have no expectations, I just want to have fun"

That was the last of our conversation, my heart sank, I hadn't been angry before but I was so infuriated by the time i get home, I have changed, i'm a good person, I've learned to keep my attitude in check (for the most part)  but the reality of it is, i've learned from so many things in my life, especially where he is concerned, and realized how to curb some of that behavior that was unsavory.  Like I said, we fought a lot.. I didn't want a relationship like that and it took me 3 years but damnit, i am a better person.  He will never see it and that is that.  i can't change the past, I can learn from it and grow and I continue to be a better person all the way around, the next man will be happy he has a woman like me, wherever he is.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. -Maria Robinson

I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

.. ahh the words of the man of men, Amos Lee, My heart has always been a flower.. i forever am in love with love, as i've said before, plus the weather has gone from gloomy to shiny and breezy and well its almost like im on a cloud.  I had my interview and test today, I'm pretty sure i bombed the test, but I did interview like a champ!  Afterwards, I met with my old boss, shes still pretty hyper as usual, and her friend was there, another business associate.  They were telling me about a possible position with a woman who basically needs a personal assistant.  The money would be good, there is the possibility of travel to different countries.. but the problem is.. i'm sick of working in an office, i let them know my passion is really retouching but im willing to consider it.  she sounds very posh, was apparently in films and such.  But is that what i want to do?  No, traveling sounds great if it comes with the job, but i have pets and such.. i don't know its Just a lot to take in, they are going to put me in touch with her when she returns from schooling to obtain her Masters at MIT in about 10 days.  There is another downside, apart from not wanting to be in another office job, is that its in a home office of all women, two of which happen to be lesbians, so im thinking.. great, not only will there be all women, there will be MORE ALL women haha, i don't think i could handle the estrogen.  we will see how it goes.

Upon leaving there, i texted LOD, asking if he wanted to grab lunch, lo and behold, he was free.  I find it funny that i introduced myself as direction girl and this time, I had to ask HIM for directions when i got out of the subway lol, He tells me 'walk east"  wtf.. now i don't have the Colorado mountains to guide me and i can't see the empire state building, and you expect me to know East with the sun directly overhead? haha

 When i met him, he kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug and he said "how are you sweetie?"  its nice that i'm not just "(insert my name here)"  We had burritos hahaha, well i had a burrito bowl.  We talked it was nice, it was simple, we kept it light, asked about family, talked about pets, aging family members and had a good time.  It was really nice to see him, I didn't get the sick nervous feeling i had on my birthday, maybe because im walking into this with no expectations?  Either way, today was a good day, he made me smile, he confused me a little with the "sweetie", "baby" sweet talk but it is what it is.  I doubt i will ever change this mans mind in how he feels about me romantically, but at least we are on comfortable terms, and that is pretty good considering our history.

Is friendship to be my methadone?

I've had a lot of thoughts in and out of my head from directions internally and externally.  External thoughts always make it more difficult on me.  I never really like to hear what they have to say, some naysayers, some just knowing to let me throw a little caution to the wind and just say, " i just want you to be happy"  no matter what comes of it, i know i will be ok.. eventually... Here is a conversation i had with a good friend today:

Me: oh... well

i contacted LOD

so now he officially knows im in nyc... i asked him to lunch, he said hes pretty busy this week but im sure i will see him

(he's the ex fiancee)

Superman: right, i remember. hmmm what do you think? whats the "vibe" you are getting from him?

Me: normal LOD.. hes being friendly not overtly so.. but he is talking to me, which means im sure hes not dating someone because.. well he wouldn't respond if he was

Superman:you know him better than most i guess. Take it slow, im sure things will blossom into whatever they are supposed to be.

Me: there will be no blossoming, i am sure of it. but i just can't help myself, hes my heroin

Superman: well even if its just into better friends again. even that would help ween your way off him in "that" way so you can find a new drug... or maybe next time you can be the needle

Me: yeah well .. we shall see. is friendship to be my methadone?

addicts always go back

Superman: what good is a drug without the addict? he wouldn't be talking to you if he didn't get something out of it too.
Me: you offer a different perspective, i like that

Superman: I try lol.

Me: i hadn't thought about it, why he is in fact talking to me

Superman: because you give him a reason to WANT to talk to you. Sometimes its really that simple sweetie.

Me: huh.. interesting

i never really thought about it like that at all.. me giving him a reason to talk to me?? i guess i see how much i value myself......... i never thought that as an option

Its funny how things in life we see from mostly our own point of view, then someone else comes along and says something to make you think about it completely differently.  Why is it that i view myself as less than i should, most of us do that right?  i am my own worst enemy in a lot of ways, in love especially.  I never think im good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or cool enough.. FUCK, i am me, why do i go through these phases of life that allow me to be down on myself and other times i'm like fuck the world i'm one bad ass queen bitch (as one friend put it) lol

Why do i tell the world?  i never want the worlds advice, i always want the reassurance, Do i want your advice?  no.. i tell  you because i want you to tell me it will be ok, even if you don't think it will be.  I live in a world with rose colored glasses with a heart of gold and glass, she breaks easy but i'm just hopeful. 

Superman planted a seed in my head today.. another friend planted a seed not long ago that i flipped out on.  This friend was a mutual friend of LOD and I, he recently moved back from cali to NYC, and i had a facebook status that said:
 Dear Colorado,

You disappoint me with your weather. 81 yesterday, possible snow tomorrow and wind today that will blow away your knickers in a gust of fury.

Sincerely,
I wish I still lived in California
 the following comments were the last bits of what he and i exchanged: 
Him: Not cali!! NY!! 

Me: you know thats crossed my mind as well good sir! how does it feel to be back?Like i shouldnt have left :)thats how i felt when i was there in July for my birthday, although there were a few hiccups there as well 

Him: Eh... anything worth anything, is worth fighting for... just sayin...

Me: i probably read that in a way i shouldn't, but i agree with you

 

My thoughts are immediately redirected toward LOD because i do believe anything worth anything is worth fighting for, and he and i are worth fighting for... its been a back and forth in my life for so long and its just the worst feeling ever. 

 

No matter where i am in this world, my thoughts will always go to him and it will just have to be there and take its course.  i can't change how i feel, i can change how i react. but I know that i will never get over him, I will always love him, as I said, but its a love that i may just have to hold inside for years to come.

Heart on my sleeve? why yes, yes thats where its located

Its been a while, I will be as brief as I can while I fill you in on the happenings of my life.  HC and i haven't had communication since March. but prior to that, he contacted me superbowl sunday to let me know he was getting back with his ex (oh big surprise there right?!) and that we would not be able to communicate.  Well a few weeks later i noticed he had been active on match.com, I texted him and asked him about it, he said it didn't work out (another big shocker right?  yeah right).  We did small chit chat and that was it, then one night while I was out with friends, he texted , Hey Gangster, how's it going?  It was a brief conversation but it was nice.  I tried to make plans with him to no avail. and then he stopped responding.

My life had a drastic change, which close friends who are reading this already know, but I decided to take a stab at NYC one more time.  I'd been unemployed since the beginning of the year and without prospects, I decided to try and make it work in my career, rather than just some job I would have in order to live, i need livelihood, not existence.  Prior to me leaving I sent the following email to HC:

Hey there my friend! i hope life has been treating you well. I haven't heard back from you in texts in a while so i figured i'd write and say its been good. Life has certainly been interesting in the last few months. I really am happy that i got to spend a few days with you. You are a wonderful person and i wish you the very best in this life, you definitely deserve it!

I wish we could have hung out, been a PIC(partner in crime) to one another in even a friendship form, but i understand where you're at and how hard it can be. Please stay in touch, if you wish, i would certainly love that. I will be leaving on May 4th to go to New York to look for work. its been a bit rough trying to find work in the area so leaving to explore my opportunities in the new york area. i am hoping things work out but there is a chance i will be back.

anyway (omitted name) i hope life gives you what you ask for and you continue being you, you have a good soul and it was a pleasure knowing what i did of you.

Best in everything, always!

Gypsy Gangster 

I never heard from him again.  I have placed things out in the universe and things shall happen as they may.

Now that I am back in New York, I have scheduled an interview for Friday at 9:30am.  I am really looking forward to it.  All morning I have been updating my linked in profile, as well as applying for jobs and getting set up with staffing agencies, the problem with this is...  New York holds a lot of history for me, so as i am looking at my contacts on LinkedIn (something i haven't signed into in about a year or more, I see him, yes HIM the connection, the one that throws me off every time, i hear something that reminds me of him (e.g. everything).  What do i do?  yeah, i contact him.. FUCK -  does this happen to me.. yes. why? because my heart lives on my sleeve and it has a mind of its own.  I invited him to lunch or dinner, LOD replied "what the hell are you talking about, last time i checked you lived like 9 hours from me"  I just said that i was asking if he wanted to meet up and that I was living in the old neighborhood we stayed in when first moving here, he asked me how it was and mentioned he was pretty busy this week.  I let him know im around all month.  Nothing set in stone but at least he knows i'm here.

I keep reminding myself that I am here for me, i know that will not change but in the meantime, my heartstrings pull me backwards.  I keep trudging along this path in life.   My heart may always aide in my decision making, but this time i won't let it overcome me.

PS Tomorrow marks 3 years since I left NYC for Colorado, ironic how I come back almost to the day and how this day 3 years ago was me saying goodbye to LOD and today I said hello again... (aside from my birthday but we all know how that shitstorm turned out)