This isn't the first time i've been told I don't know when to leave well enough alone. call me crazy but i've spent 30 years of my life relying on a lot of my intuition and it has served me pretty well. Most recently my intuition did me right by telling me i didn't have the job that i'd been working at for the last year and a half. Yeah.. crazy i know, guess who is unemployed? Me. Thats ok because i have a backup plan and it is what it is, i knew i wouldn't get it but i also knew where i needed to be and what i needed to do.
I get online today, checking things out and BE3 has an active account on match.com. I know he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and i wholeheartedly believe that beyond the shadow of a doubt. upon further discussion with my besty, we will call her moonbaby since she shares the cancer sign with me and shes a year younger. She knows me better than any person on this earth. We share things that most people don't share and i love her to pieces for it. She is honest, she is raw and she is exactly what i needed, the truth.
I talked to her about it and she said, that maybe his way of telling me he didn't want a relationship (with me) was saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. now there is some validity to that, as most cancers tend to evade rather than confront. As the creature in nature tend to "sidestep" when they want to avoid a confrontation or fight, a way to not hurt someone, to just sidestep the issue and go on about life. I didn't think this was true because we talked about honesty and raw emotion, good, bad and indifferent. I'm a bit of a different crab.. maybe. My defenses shot way up and i was like, huh.. well if he wasn't ready, then why activate your account? maybe its a habit thing, maybe its his way of putting out his feelers because he too, felt to much for me that it scared him in a way. And why am i looking there anyway, well i'm not the one that isn't ready to give my heart to someone but it is a bit habitual for me. I actually tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and think with my heart in every piece of me.. i even have my "hearts in life" i just see them in nature and get that flowing through me as if i am the only one who noticed it. I don't look for them, they just appear. but i digress, i just had this overwhelming feeling that it was a good week and i should chalk it up to that and move on. yes i have all the time in the world to think right now and thats probably not the best thing for me. yes i overthink things in all pieces of my life, but you know when you have that gut feeling.
so against my friends advice, not only moonbaby but also a gbf i have, yes that means ghetto brown friend,(stolen but its an easy nickname) they told me that i should just play it cool. Playing it cool is for the birds. does he owe it to me? no. Did i feel like i wasn't going to see him again? yes. So i said "call me crazy but I'm usually pretty dead on about things. I'm getting the vibe that it was a good week for both of us , and I probably won't see you again.." he said "interesting. ok have a good night" of course that piqued my interest and i proceeded to ask him why he thought it was interesting.. "stop texting..", i think to myself.. uh.. ok theres my answer i guess?, i was just curious on his thoughts on the matter, the last thing i wanted to do was to bug him if he didn't want to be bugged. he said nevermind. goodnight. i asked if i'd done something wrong, i just wanted to be honest. he said no it was just an interesting thought. so yeah.. thats how it went down.
I've probably labeled myself as crazy in his world but i can't not be who i am. i have to be true to myself even if it is against my better judgement or that of others. Do i regret what i did? no. do i feel better? no, maybe. I've made the decision not to contact him, if it is meant to be, it shall be. I honestly shouldn't feel so much for him in such a short time, but i've lived long enough in this life to tell me what i'm looking for.. its like in the movie practical magic, she puts it out there to the world that she is looking for a specific kind of man, with one blue eye, one green, etc etc, basically a man that is impossible to exist.. yet he finds her. i shall always dream of my fairy tale, that perfect guy for me and i will never stop being true to myself, even if i end up ruining things, because at the end of the day, even if i think i ruined things, or overthought something, the guy that is meant for me will overlook my silliness and heart on my sleeve and accept me and tell me it is ok. at the end of the day i am me. that is all.
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