Taking a step back to move forward

I think that taking a step back in life has always been hard for me.  When i do something, I give it my all.  This blog has been a real outlet for me, I have a good support group but sometimes its just easier to push out all your thoughts in one place and then figure it out later, so here I am.  

After the post the other day, I had a lot to think about, after my best friend asked me to think about what i love more than love... I actually thought about my life, am I happy where I am?  no.  I am existing in this life and not truly living.  Most of my friends are out of state but the rest of my closer group of people live up north in Colorado Springs.  I generally go out up there and there are seemingly more jobs and better opportunity.  Is this the step I want to take? not really, should i do it?  Absolutely.  I have become comfortable here but not in the sense that I feel like my own person, because I certainly don't.  I feel comfortable in the sense that its familiar.  I am good with familiar, i don't tend to push myself outside of the box.  I can dole out that advice to others but why can't i take it myself?  Well Fuck that!  its about time i did something about it.

I have started looking at places in Colorado Springs for work, be closer to a nightlife, a city (kinda) and soooo close to the mountains.  I have in some cases taken the mountains for granted and i need them staring at me every single day for a while, so i can re-learn to appreciate this great state i come from.  I am also starting the workout routine that i have been talking about, and just getting a healthier lifestyle started.  I just spent like a million dollars at the store.

I also had a talk with him, blue eyes..(that's his new nickname and since he is #3 and 3 is supposed to be my lucky number according to my astrology encyclopedia of birthday's book, he will know be BE3.) why is it all the men in my life that meant something greater than i could imagine, all had blue eyes?  the dream of a little girl come true.  When I was writing and thinking about everything I wanted for myself I realized that I did him wrong.  I am a grown ass woman, I need to act like one.  I felt awful about leaving someone when they were down, what was I thinking.  Will i get hurt, probably, but i've been there before and I can't get too hurt because as a friend, friends come and go.. i'd be happy if he stuck around but i can't let my heart strings influence our friendship or rule it.  I know its difficult based on how we met and all but at the end of the day, like i told him in the beginning, i would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all... and i still mean that.

I apologized to him for how i acted, i officially did blame the moon, as with the phases, it did pass.  I tend to make decisions in the moment instead of truly thinking about them.  I am getting better about that and this was a little hiccup.  BE3 still occupies my mind on a daily, how could he not in just a few days.  I still log onto match.com and again today i saw he was active within 24 hours.. so it makes me wonder what that's about but i am ok with it.  in the end, he is a friend and if thats what he needs to get through then, i will support that.  It is what it is, thats what friends are for.  I am the girl that usually sees something she wants and will wait until its right.  I did that with RMH, LOD and now i find myself in the same predicament.  I just can't see myself getting involved with someone and possibly ruining the chances of having something wonderful, so right now its about friendships and focusing on my life.  if something comes, great, but i don't feel like looking anymore, call me crazy, the girl in love with love putting love on hold.. finding love that is.. i'm going to focus on loving myself.



I post this song because, i will stay with you, i will help you heal and be right by your side. Thats the person I want to be in this life. and that goes for everyone in my life, i will always be there. much love.


Cancer Jan 10 2012 This is your reminder not to give in to something you know is wrong or won't work. You may not even need reminding. After all you have a feeling of firm conviction about a certain issue. But time and pressure can eventually wear anyone down under certain circumstances - even a tenacious crab like you, Moonchild. Don't allow anyone to make you feel that you are wrong about a recent choice or decision. You felt very strongly about this from the get-go, and nothing has changed. Don't give in.