It’s a new year, a new beginning. Resolutions have not consumed my mind as they have in years passed, I am content to live and take what comes at me as the moment reaches. I turned 30 in 2011, midway through the year, I reached the age of no return, a monumental birthday. I saw this as a rebirth and an awakening before it happened and as is, 6 months later to the date, I know I was right about that.
Before I turned 30, I started this blog; I decided I needed to figure out some of my “what if’s” in life. I decided that I would head to New York to profess my love for a man that I once loved greater than I thought possible. We were together for 5.5 years with a little break in-between. I’d spent the better part of my twenties with him and if you read the archive here, you can see how the relationship started. It was a tumultuous relationship from the very beginning. There were ups and downs for years which I will briefly describe before getting to the real portion of this blog; the here and now.
LOD, as I called him before, and I were the dreamer and the feeler. The true soul mate match some might say, as I believed for so long. People always told me that you can have more than one soul mate.. I thought they were crazy but now I look back on it and I can see that this may be the case. One can love and be loved but not go forth with said love. I will always truly love him but it was never meant to be and I see that now.
There was loving and there was fighting, but it seems as though the fighting was the more prevalent part of the relationship. I can look back on this now and honestly blame myself for a lot of the turmoil in the union. During the course of this, I played a lot of this on him and if I could take it back I would. My intent was to never make anyone feel like I made him feel. I was young and naïve, and at the time, yes I was selfish. I wanted marriage, I wanted a life with him, I wanted a family. He wanted all those things to but when you have someone saying when, when, when?, then it takes all the joy and beauty out of it. The problem was, I knew too soon that he wanted a life with me, so when it didn’t happen right away, I felt slighted, I was hurt and confused. I questioned him, myself and our relationship and it just started this ugly downward spiral that we were to never get out of.
I was quite insecure in myself back then, I was unsure of his feelings for me, I am a very emotional person and “needed” that reassurance, that security which I felt he couldn’t give me. The reality of all of this, looking back of course, is that he did give it to me; he gave it to me in his way. We finally got to the point where we were to be married. We were finally there, it took a lot to get there but March 24th 2008, he came to my bedside and gave me a card and a ring and asked me to be his forever. The man even called my father to ask his permission. I cry as I write this because it was such a beautiful moment and even that I ruined. The ring didn’t fit and it wasn’t grand. Fuck grand… know when you love someone and know when they love you back. Those are words I didn’t have until it was too late. Ironically the wall by the elevator on the floor of our building said “love someone well, just do” That’s what its all about.
We were engaged for 3 months. The night before I was to go to the location and get ready for our engagement party, I told him I didn’t want to get married. When I looked back on it I meant to say, I didn’t want to get married right now. There were so many things that were off about the whole thing and it didn’t feel right. It was awful, I had to call my family and his family and tell them. We lived together for another month until I found my own place.
The date of October 4, 2008 (our wedding date) came and went. We still spoke, and sometime in November we tried to give it another go. I was ecstatic. I was cautious. I wasn’t myself. I felt as though I walked on eggshells a lot through that time. I can’t lose him I thought. We spent good moments together; we traveled 2 hours to see each other (by bus), me in Long Island City, Queens and him in Far Rockaway, Queens. For Christmas, he made me a mixed tape(CD) with the songs of our relationship, he made the cover and placed under the cd holding area the Cancer/Pisces true soulmate love match description. It was the best thing he ever gave me.
He went home for the Christmas and when he came back for the New Year, the new beginning of 2009, I wanted to make sure it was just right. I was overbearing and persistent, a quality he couldn’t handle, he shut down. I ended up ruining the night and the next few months to come because I HAD to have it just so, instead of letting it be as it was. I could feel all failing and then it hit me!! Why don’t I just propose to him?! I’ll win him back. My attempt and showing him my love and being as excited as I was about the whole thing to him, was seen as a last ditch effort and a crazy attempt at love, or something along those lines, He thought I was frantic and nuts… this was the ultimate demise of the relationship.
A few days or a week later or something like that, we met at Starbucks on Astor Place and he said it was over. I was left there crying my eyes out with people staring and me losing my shit on the way home in the subway. Not only had I lost my job a month or so earlier, I lost the man I was destined to be with. My life was over.
No comments:
Post a Comment