So now it’s to the part I’m almost turning 30, I spent time in Colorado and Oregon on a path of rediscovery and I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something else I needed to do to complete the cycle of healing. I felt that I needed to profess my love, not over the phone.. no, in person, you know drum up old feelings by him seeing my glittery eyes sparkle as I smile his way. I planned it out. I was to turn 30 in New York City, where he still lived. I would have a grand birthday with fireworks over the water and spend it with my close friends of times past.
I had the dress, green and black, flowing beauty that accentuated the right places, I looked pretty banging, I must admit. A few days before my birthday came… we had an exchange that changed the whole feel of the trip. He was out of town, I knew he would be, he was coming back the night of my birthday, the day before I was initially scheduled to leave. I told him I had changed my trip, one to spend more time there, two to look for work, and 3 so I could actually spend more than 5 minutes with him. He knew me too well, he could see that the main reason I came was for him. His words were those I'd heard in the past, and he didn't want to "get into it" - It was then that I knew.
I had a heart to heart with many a friend the next couple of days and spent the 4th of July mostly alone. The 5th (my birthday) I waited for him to get to the bar, he showed up, fedora.. interesting… not him, he was different. Same damn shirt, same old jeans. I still loved the man before me and I was just there in awe. I knew what I had to do. The night was winding down and in my purse I carried the ring we shared. The ring I asked him to return most recently after our breakup, i was kind of bitter back then. The ring was purchased on the reunion of our relationship in 2007 when we almost called it quits.. Brooklyn to Bronx… a year before it ended truly.
The inscription is in Elvish, yes I know cheesy as hell but he loved Lord of the Rings and that was what I bought him for our first Christmas (2004).. the extended trilogy. The ring reads as follows: one ring to show our love, one ring to bind us, one ring to seal our love, and forever to entwine us. We were about to leave and I placed it in his hand. He told me whatever it was in my hand, he would drop it to the floor, I told him to just take it and hear me out. he started to walk away and i followed, i'm pretty persistent and i knew this would be the last time i'd see him.
I had come to tell him initially that I loved him and that I had that connection that I could not shake, but that I knew that our time has passed and he is not in the same place as me. It was one of the harder things that I had to do. I stood there crying, he told me I was a drama queen, giggled about that and kissed my forehead and he took me in his arms. “Its been two years” he told me. Yes I know… but when you feel love you feel love. I told him that I knew I had to say goodbye. We built up a life together, tore it down and all the pieces find their way back in, somehow, someway and usually when you least expect it. He told me to tell the boys "hey" (our cats) and I said goodbye JRE, I will always love you. I walked into the 8th avenue subway at 23rd street in Chelsea and rode up to harlem for my last night in the big apple. I was alone. I didn’t feel better. It was over.
Saying goodbye has never been easy for me. I feel with all my heart and soul and he helped mold me into who I am today. He helped my rough draft mold into a stronger, more assertive, more appreciative, more alert individual and for that, I will always be thankful. Mr. Lack of direction, you may not know your way around, but you sure helped me find mine. I love you. And so do the boys.
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