I've asked myself this question time and time again, do happy endings exist? i believe they do but then again i am the girl looking for her fairy tale right? I had a conversation with BE3 this evening and without going into too much detail to protect his privacy we talked about the sanctity of marriage. So many people are divorced these days, so many people have been cheated on or done the cheating themselves and we start thinking... is this what it will really be like? Will this happen to me if i say "I do" (someday) ? there is no way to know the answer right now... people do what they do, its a shitty piece of life that so many do not respect their vows, til death do us part, through thick and thin, well what the fuck world?
I am 30 years old and I am not married, is there something wrong with me? Hell no, i am a confident (mostly), sexy, funny (hilarious really), sweet soul that has a little firecracker in her! i posted a fitting video a couple of posts down about a week or more ago that says it all. Society thinks there is something wrong with me for not having all that white picket fence and 3 kids runnin around with my husband coming home to my welcome arms and talk about the day. Well you know what, fuck you society.. that's right. I don't need anyone or the world for that matter telling me how to live my life and what i need to do in this life to fit in. I'm fine with being unique.
I was packing today and I took the wedding dress that hangs in my closet and packed it away until I move. I found "congratulations on your engagement" cards (those went in the trash) It was great while it lasted but when it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't. It took me a long time to realize this, i even just recently deleted LOD's phone number, why have it, its over, my cancer self tends to dwell in the past but its done, i gave it the old college try and it still didn't work out. It was my decision to call off the wedding. Did i stop loving him? no, and i probably never will, its just a different kind of love, love of a friend, even though we will probably never talk again. does it hurt? yeah of course.. there is still a little pain in there but the triumph of it all is that i never lost hope... there was always that piece of me that had hope... my hope has shifted from him to something greater. I will never stop believing in love. I will never stop believing that this world has that "one" in it for me. I can't afford to believe it doesn't exist, am i crazy? sure some of you might think, so but i don't.
I have a hopeful heart and no matter how shitty this world can be, i know that the man i find, will be lucky. I am an awesome woman, I am strong, I am sensitive, I give my all, I am there when he is down, I am all I can be, for him (except a good cook lol). I will never stop being me, so many lose themselves in relationships but i am not going to let that happen, not again. I will be there, through thick and thin, I will always love and cherish him, when i find that man for me, he will get me as I get him and we will have that happily ever after, we will be that cute 80 year old couple you see canoodling on the park bench feeding the squirrels. I will never stop believing, no matter how harsh this world is to me.. it will happen. life is too short to live without believing.
I told him (BE3) that i would be taking him to dinner tomorrow and i wouldn't take no for an answer. he said we'll see.. that's not no per se, but in guy terms that means no.. I'm no dummy lol. Regardless, i was told tonight "you're too good to date right now... ...I'd rather you be a friend so I don't have to lose this connection, I think any relationship will fail and i won't be able to talk to you". I spoke with a friend last night and she said it was a bad excuse... about why he is on match.. hes not bullshitting me, he just isn't divulging everything to me, he doesn't need to. i have a feeling he is dating, meeting people.. that's fine, that's what i want him to do.. i am his friend, and if we did date now, it would be bad. i am on a path of new discovery and he needs to deal with some things, he needs time. I don't want him to date me right now, as crazy as that sounds.. he has a deeper purpose in my life and eventually we will get there. but i digress, i'm not ready to lose that connection either. i told him he never will. Belief is a strong power.. and right now I have belief, faith as some of you call it, as i may call it from time to time.. things happen for a reason. Right now, he needs me as his friend as I need him for mine. This isn't the end, there is a time for rebirth and friendship will always come first.. that continues tomorrow.... whatever will be, will be. Stay tuned and please... leave comments, your thoughts on marriage, on love, on if you think im crazy.. id love to hear what you all think.
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