I need to be on my own right now, I am moving out, yup living with mom has run its course and I need to make a decision and be on my own. It can be a bad combo but I would rather have my privacy and own place so if I need to come home and cry into my pillow, I can do so without questions. I don’t have to make her feel like she is being ignored when I just need some privacy. Even now I just sit here crying and have to hide stifled tears and sobbing sounds and breathe like I’m meditating in order to get through it without questions.
I’m also starting a workout routine starting today, I need to place my energy somewhere else. Cancers tend to cling, that’s what I’m doing, that’s not healthy. I mean I was on match.com this morning, I let a friend use it to contact some people for her and I was checking it to see if she had anything… but the thing I saw is on my mobile app, right there is shows his picture, it shows that he was on within 24 hours. It had been 5 days, yesterday, he pulled his profile… why was he on after I had left his house, or even this morning? Yes I over think things constantly, I know he was being truthful with me about hiding his profile, but why was he on there now if he didn’t want to look for a relationship? Was this the cancer thing.. look to fill a void when you’re down, maybe that’s all it was… I hoped I hadn’t hurt him last night and that he wasn’t on there to try to fill something I seemingly took from him. My heart hurts. I can’t help but think I have kicked him when he was down. I asked him last night if he was ok, I also asked if we were ok, he said I worry too much and that he would be fine… he didn’t answer if we were ok.. This feeling is awful. Now I need a friend. I need a hug. How did this whirlwind just happen?
Next step, working out, find a job, move out, start shooting more. (pictures, not guns.)
No comments:
Post a Comment