I realized that there has been a lot of changing within me as of late. Maybe it’s the New Year maybe it’s a new outlook but I want to say that it was having met someone new, have met him. Out of all the people I could have met, I met the gentle soul of epic proportions. I couldn’t help myself as I woke this morning, I texted him, told him to have an awesome day back at work. When we spoke yesterday, seems like he has a lot to do in his job, people coming at him at all fronts. I hope that he is ok when he gets home that with the daily stresses of work mixed with all the other stresses he has right now won’t be too overwhelming for him and that he still has a friend in me.
I woke up struggling with all of this, I feel like I lost something, I can’t shake that feeling. I talked with my best friends about it. One is hopeful that the distance will make his heart grow fonder. The other explains that it’s difficult to fully know someone in such a short time. I know that this is what I need to hear but I certainly hope for the first one. My heart tells me to show up at his house and tell him I was silly, I need to be strong and be there for him regardless. That’s what friends do right? They don’t leave when the going gets tough. Am I really leaving though? I will still be around just can’t physically be around him. I get lost in his blue green eyes, his smell, his embrace. We both fought the urge to kiss one another all afternoon, is that what it’s supposed to be like? I’m not sure but I certainly don’t like this feeling, not one bit.
I realized that all of the change has made me realize lots of things for myself. My best friend suggested that I try and focus on me, what did I really love more than love in this life? I don’t know, I don’t think I can love anything more than love, love is essential in this life, without love, what is life? What did I truly love in this life? I realized I need to travel more, then I thought about.. travel.. partner in crime, it brought me back to him.. The travel I would want to do it with someone, explore with someone.. I’ve driven across the country a few times, I never appreciated it fully because I wanted to share it with someone else, I think I would have taken more in that way. Ok so travel is out right now.
Now I realized that it’s time for me to move on. I have been saving to move back to LA. Maybe that’s not what I need to do, I love LA I do, but at the same time.. am I just being overly nostalgic and moving back to a feeling I once had when I was with LOD? Well that’s probably the case. I love southern California, I would love to live near the ocean but I think I have been longing for a time once forgotten. I can’t afford to live there, not right now. I can do what I do from anywhere, I just need to market myself, this day and age, I can market myself across the world and I can do it from a beautiful place like Colorado. Maybe I can learn to appreciate snow??
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