I got up to leave and got my things and we embraced a few more times, his touch makes me feel at home. I looked at him and told him I couldn’t do this. The way he looks at me is not the way you look at a friend. I can’t get over his eyes, I get lost in them each and every time. When he looks to my right eye, then my left, then at my mouth and back at my eyes again.. it tells me he feels something more too. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and break in my heart and told him that I couldn’t be around him. I will be his friend but being so close to him is going to break me and I’m not ready to be broken, not by him.
I don’t make decisions like this well, and it usually is a while before I can even admit things like this to myself but all in all, I don’t want to be in the friend zone. I want more than that. I will be there for him, if he needs me to hug him and tell him it will be ok, if he needs me to come over and bullshit and play pool for a while, I can do that to but with the afternoon we just had, I cannot emotionally handle it. He told me he understood, and the fucked up thing about it was that he cried too. He said there is just this path in life that he needs to be on right now. I wanted him to elaborate but he was holding back a bit today. He felt like he shouldn’t cry in front of me, said he didn’t know me well enough to do that in front of me, that kind of stung because all of this rawness that he is putting out there, he was getting two-fold from me. I could tell he was holding back, that it was ok and he could tell me. He said I wouldn’t get it because I’m not religious. Regardless of religion or not, I feel, I can understand what he feels, all he has to do is open up to me. My hand laid on his chest, I told him I will get it because I get him. I wiped his tears from his eyes and forced him to look into mine I told him that I would still be his friend but i have to distance myself. I want him in my life but he needs to understand that I don't trust myself enough right now to keep this distance that I am supposed to keep.
I told him this wasn’t goodbye. I would still be here- text, phone whatever but I can’t pursue this like I’ve been, I’m constantly pushing to hang out. This was so I could protect my heart. I know its selfish because he needs me right now but its what had to be done, I can’t see him right now. I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips. Not a full blown French kiss or anything like that but a sweet kiss… a kiss that lays lingering on my mind still, hours later.
I got in my car and just started to cry my eyes out. I’m not sure where this leaves things. I am on the fence about it now.. did I just screw it all up, will I ever see him again? I’m not sure about all that but all I know is I'm crying in my bed tonight as the full moon passes over me and hopes that this is a phase that too shall pass. I’m not ready to have him out of my life. Ironically the song that just came on my pandora just now is perfect to describe a lot of me because of him in the last week. And even more ironic.. Pandora timed out after that played... Goodnight.
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