We decided to hang out in Pueblo on Sunday but since I stayed in Fountain after the bar hoppin, I texted him and told him I was still in town. I ended up going to his house around 3-ish. I brought over a bottle of wine and we chatting about the day and did our usual conversation of feelings and things. He told me that he told his friends about me.. but one thing that he mentioned about that was that he told them he was diggin on me but wasn’t sure if I was going to be a friend or more than that. I know that I was supposed to get more out of that than I did at the time. Fact one, he is telling his friends about me, bonus, fact two, he is not sure what my role is in his life, fact three, I didn’t like fact two. The piece I was supposed to get out of it.. that I still did was the fact that he is looking for that connection, good, bad indifferent, the rawness of it all. Isn’t that what we have? Everything he kept saying was just so perfect, I keep saying he is the guy version of me. I told him nothing in life is perfect, but everything he keeps telling me makes me feel like I am talking through him. What he says feels like it could have come straight from my soul. I had to excuse myself to go tear up away from him a little bit. I had started to in front of him but I just wanted to cry, why is this so hard? Its laying there in front of us and we can’t push for it, I’m not about to push him to a place that he isn’t ready but I have a hard time grasping it all because all of the cards are seemingly in the right spot. He even mentioned that out of all the people that he has in his life.. he thinks to call me first, I’m the first one on his list to be there for him. I don’t want to be a rebound but I want to be a new beginning a part of me hoped he would just say, you know, screw being sad, look at this girl in front of me.. let’s go live life and enjoy our moments and see what the world brings us, life is short.
We end up drinking the entire bottle of wine and I didn’t feel like I could drive all that well, so we hung out there a bit on his couch. As I was about to sit back, he had his arm out as if to put it around me… I repositioned myself and let that happen. I laid there in his arms, my head resting on his chest, listening to the faint sound of his heartbeat and getting lost in his scent. I closed my eyes and just felt at peace, our breath was tandem and at one point we both took a big sigh at the same time. The music calmed and I felt his hand on my hip with his thumb just moving back and forth over the fabric of my thin shirt. I did not want this moment to change or end. I had my right arm wrapped tightly around his body and at one point, I asked him if he felt awkward. The last thing I want to do is push him out of that friendzone that he needs me in right now. He too said it was peaceful and calming. The moment finally broke when I started to think. I started to get in my zone of insecurity and question it all. I broke our embrace and he also said he had to get to the store, I knew I’d overstayed my welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment