Road trips and smilin gypsy

So the other night, i went shopping, decided i needed some new undergarments and i trekked off to Colorado Springs, I also still planned on taking BE3 to dinner.  I got up there, did my shopping and was done.  i got a text telling me that he was still at work and he couldn't make it.  I tried, yes my persistent ass tried, to no avail.  It is what it is.  I have so many questions and I feel like i am being held from a ten foot pole.  

So anyway, the day changes and i tell him i would like to talk to him.  I have questions, i'm trying to be a friend but i don't even think that he is allowing that.  He tells me he will call me around 9ish and so I have some privacy, I leave the house and take a drive.  I get a text around 9:15 that tells me he is going to call tomorrow instead.  I tell him i left the house and he gets it, we end up talking for what we try to make short because he has things to do before bed, but yeah right, get us talking and its an hour or more later most days.

So I jump right in feet first and I'm hesitant, he doesn't owe me shit, but for the life of me, I have to know.  I ask him what he was going through, he was hesitant, he didn't want to tell me at first.  He went on a date, as i suspected, but it was because of his friends setting him up and he was just going along with it to appease.  He is like me in that respect, if i click i click, if i don't then its just that and no hard feelings.  Anyway just the way the night rounded out for him just gave him some lost hope.  I've been there myself so many times.  Lost hope, lost sight, just lost in general, fuck the dumb shit and do what you do.

I told him i felt like he was closing me out as a friend and I didn't like it, he let me know that when i met him it was a time he was off of work and now he is back.  He certainly loves his job, not many people do, i think its important, he is very dedicated and it does take a lot of his time, which is something i will have to learn to accept and know.  He just isn't as available as he was before.  Either way, that helps me understand things better and knowing is half the battle.  

He also mentioned he is in a place in his life where he needs to be alone, he said he would be a hermit, i said it was fitting since he was a cancer (crab) so instead of BE3, his name is now HC or Hermit Crab, yes.. thats what it is, we giggled and just laughed about being president of the hermit club and well, it was good to hear him laugh and to laugh with him.

I also let him know i think of him daily, he said that was bad because of where he is at, he will be there for at least 6 months or more.  I told him its fine, its just that in his profile, it says he wants that girl that just says "there's something about this guy i just can't get over"  well son of a bitch if that girl isn't me.  Its a curse, i do wear my heart on my sleeve and i told him that I wouldn't put him in a situation that he didn't want to be in or need to be in, its just something i can't help. I know and told him that if i had a relationship with him right now, i would get my heart broken.  he just isn't ready for that and frankly, I'm not either.  I thought i was ready to date but the reality of it all is that I have a lot of shit i need to do in my life right now.

All that being said, I'm not going to bullshit him or myself.  I know what it is and its just that.  I told him that i've not dated in Colorado, except for one guy, and i vowed to myself that i wouldn't date.  I always planned to move back to Cali and well, there was a reason i joined match.  There was a reason he and i met when we did, people are in your life for a reason a season or a lifetime, i am not sure which and maybe we are just meant to be friends, and if thats what it is, then its just that.  I will probably not like that but i know he is supposed to be in my life for a long time.

As the night went on, i finally drove my car back home and i sat in front of the house for another 45 minutes.  I told him that no matter what, there is always going to be those shit moments in life, acceptance is where he needs to get to, thats all it really is, accepting the things that we cannot change, learning from the things that have happened and moving forward in this life.  Life is too short to be pissed off at the world.  I told him that no matter what, he needs to be the change he sees in the world, if he sees divorce and cheating and all the shitty stuff that comes with relationships, then he can strive for the betterment in life he wants to have.  I don't settle, and i won't settle for part of what i'm worth or part of what this world is worth to me.

just after the hermit talk, I told him that maybe he needs a road trip, It would do it him good.  he was like naw, that not what i need right now, I said no, not right now but in time, it would do him good.  I told him I wanted to make a pact, so we made a pact. I plan on driving another VW bus at some point in my life and when i get it, i asked him to come along, he said it depends on where we are going.  Thats the beauty of it all, I told him, we get to choose where we want to go, I will drive a westfalia, there will be two beds, a cooler for the beer, a rockin sound system so we can listen to instrumental hip hop, rockabilly and whatever else he wanted to listen to, and my stuff of course lol.  I got immediate membership into the hermit club, for just owning a VW bus.

All in all, it was a good talk, a good night.  I told him that he needs to find at least one thing a day that makes him smile.  He said there were a few things everyday that makes him smile, today it was work, working on his truck and talking to me.  smilin Gypsy is where i'm at now, He's worth it, you all can call me crazy but..

happy endings, do they exist?

I've asked myself this question time and time again, do happy endings exist?  i believe they do but then again i am the girl looking for her fairy tale right?  I had a conversation with BE3 this evening and without going into too much detail to protect his privacy we talked about the sanctity of marriage.  So many people are divorced these days, so many people have been cheated on or done the cheating themselves and we start thinking... is this what it will really be like?  Will this happen to me if i say "I do" (someday) ?  there is no way to know the answer right now... people do what they do, its a shitty piece of life that so many do not respect their vows, til death do us part, through thick and thin, well what the fuck world?  

I am 30 years old and I am not married, is there something wrong with me?  Hell no, i am a confident (mostly), sexy, funny (hilarious really), sweet soul that has a little firecracker in her!  i posted a fitting video a couple of posts down about a week or more ago that says it all.  Society thinks there is something wrong with me for not having all that white picket fence and 3 kids runnin around with my husband coming home to my welcome arms and talk about the day.  Well you know what, fuck you society.. that's right.  I don't need anyone or the world for that matter telling me how to live my life and what i need to do in this life to fit in.  I'm fine with being unique.  

I was packing today and I took the wedding dress that hangs in my closet and packed it away until I move.  I found "congratulations on your engagement" cards (those went in the trash)  It was great while it lasted but when it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't.  It took me a long time to realize this, i even just recently deleted LOD's phone number, why have it, its over, my cancer self tends to dwell in the past but its done, i gave it the old college try and it still didn't work out.  It was my decision to call off the wedding.  Did i stop loving him?  no, and i probably never will, its just a different kind of love, love of a friend, even though we will probably never talk again.  does it hurt? yeah of course.. there is still a little pain in there but the triumph of it all is that i never lost hope... there was always that piece of me that had hope... my hope has shifted from him to something greater.  I will never stop believing in love.  I will never stop believing that this world has that "one" in it for me.  I can't afford to believe it doesn't exist, am i crazy? sure some of you might think, so but i don't.  

I have a hopeful heart and no matter how shitty this world can be, i know that the man i find, will be lucky.  I am an awesome woman, I am strong, I am sensitive, I give my all, I am there when he is down, I am all I can be, for him (except a good cook lol).  I will never stop being me, so many lose themselves in relationships but i am not going to let that happen, not again.  I will be there, through thick and thin, I will always love and cherish him, when i find that man for me, he will get me as I get him and we will have that happily ever after, we will be that cute 80 year old couple you see canoodling on the park bench feeding the squirrels.  I will never stop believing, no matter how harsh this world is to me.. it will happen.  life is too short to live without believing.

I told him (BE3) that i would be taking him to dinner tomorrow and i wouldn't take no for an answer.  he said we'll see.. that's not no per se, but in guy terms that means no.. I'm no dummy lol.  Regardless, i was told tonight "you're too good to date right now... ...I'd rather you be a friend so I don't have to lose this connection, I think any relationship will fail and i won't be able to talk to you".  I spoke with a friend last night and she said it was a bad excuse... about why he is on match.. hes not bullshitting me, he just isn't divulging everything to me, he doesn't need to.  i have a feeling he is dating, meeting people.. that's fine, that's what i want him to do.. i am his friend, and if we did date now, it would be bad.  i am on a path of new discovery and he needs to deal with some things, he needs time.  I don't want him to date me right now, as crazy as that sounds.. he has a deeper purpose in my life and eventually we will get there.  but i digress, i'm not ready to lose that connection either.  i told him he never will. Belief is a strong power.. and right now I have belief, faith as some of you call it, as i may call it from time to time.. things happen for a reason.  Right now, he needs me as his friend as I need him for mine.  This isn't the end, there is a time for rebirth and friendship will always come first.. that continues tomorrow.... whatever will be, will be.  Stay tuned and please... leave comments, your thoughts on marriage, on love, on if you think im crazy.. id love to hear what you all think.

Moving forward step 1

Today i enlisted the girls help in getting some things packed.  Yes i am moving, i don't have the job yet but I will.  I decided it was good to get a head start and pack slowly.  There are certainly things I can't pack just yet but why not pack what I can. 

I have decided I need more desk space too, so I have been coming up with ideas.  I plan to get an old door, paint it all cool, maybe antique it and find some cool metal "legs" and attach them to one side, then  place a piece of glass over it.  So if anyone reading this knows of some old sturdy doors that might be going in the garbagio, please inform me.  

So the first part of the moving has commenced and I will also be buying lights to get that going for me and certainly start shooting.  I'd like to rent a two bedroom apartment and turn on part of it into a studio, i would rather not have the desk in the studio but maybe thats not such a bad idea.. hmm.  wow ok you all have just been invited into my thought process too, yes my brain is that simple haha.

News on the BE3 front has been just about the same. We have talked a few times, phone and text, its been few and far between.  I got to the bottom of the match stuff, pretty much like i gathered, he is just there, not really looking but looking to look.  I go through the same stuff, I never expect anything to happen but in life, what is it if you don't at least give it a go.  I know he is still not ready to date but it is what it is.  I am still there for him as he is with me, we just have to give it time.  I had mentioned to him that he will find his "click" etc and he replied, "i'm not really looking though either.  you know we clicked.  I told him i knew and i just wanted to give him time to figure things out but nothing is ever set in stone in life, like he said he believes in fate, we may have clicked but that doesn't mean its the end all be all, its a nice though but he could find his 10 (i'm an 8.5 lol, damn black licorice lovin me) in the meantime.  i'm not really looking either.  i'm on a mission right now and my life is focused on making things better for myself, thus the moving and light buying.

I still don't know where it leaves things, and i am ok with that, for the most part.  I still feel like i kicked him when he was down and i shouldn't have been so selfish and told him i couldn't be around him, though i would still be there for him.  His profile is inactive once again and i just feel like something is up.  i reached out to let him know if he needed anything he could call upon me but i've yet to hear anything.  He will get in touch with me when he needs me.  I just can't shake the feeling that he is in my life for a reason, maybe its to give me hope in love, because that was lost for a long time.  Maybe its because he will later be in my life in a large capacity, that i do not yet know, but i am not giving up, I still smile when i think of him and my friend lastnight could not get over how smitten i still am with him though things have changed since the 1st of the year.

Some of you reading this will be shaking your head and telling me through your computer screen not to wear my heart on my sleeve, that i should leave well enough alone.  I will just say this, I am glad you care so much for my heart strings but in some cases you just can't help what you feel and this one is special regardless of what the future holds.  Even if he disappears tomorrow, there was a spark, and that's a feeling that no one can take away.  I will be sad if that happens but I will still move forward and find that one that makes it happen all over again, although i do wish it to be him, i'm looking for my best friend in life.  I wonder if he still has "otis."

Booze, booty and boobies + dingaling with a wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah

My gorgeous gbf, mentioned before, had her birthday, where does she want to go... STRIP CLUB.  yup, we trek to Denver.  Little gypsy hasn't ever been to a strip club, i've had a lapdance,  I was 16, yes bright idea of folks in Pueblo deciding to have an all ages all male review.  So anyway, I looked for the picture but I cannot find it, i am sure I will when i unpack and once I do... i will show you all.

So we go up there and there is lion man with his mane of hair just humping the dance floor, yeah it was uh.. well.... i don't even know.. i just saw hair, at first i thought it was a woman.. because all i saw was the backside and hair.  This was a male/female strip club so there were lots of ladies and one male platform.  We cozy in and gbf's niece says, are you ready?!  HELL YEAH i say, ok.. she meant ready to have sweaty man dancer all up in my shit... uh, no.. she was like sit here and she shoved a dollar in my cleavage.  Man those strippers will do anything for a buck.. so he leans me back and grabs it out of my boobs with his teeth.. uh.. classic move, they all did this.  So hes like rubbing my hands all over him and i am embarrassed and looking around going, omg, this is nuts.  it was. 

A few other dancers come up, one was all up on me with his BO stank and it was just like, can this end please, am i supposed to look like i am enjoying this? lol  yeah so it was definitely a different experience.  My friend tells me I have to get dances from the girls too, just to you know, have the full experience, she did the same the first time she came and it was just how it should go.  Fine, i agree and we go sit over at the closest platform.  Girl stripper comes up and i have yet another dollar in my boobs.. she grabs my boobs.. yes MY BOOBS and motorboats them, she had her full face in there just going to town.. then she grabbed them and bounced them around, told my friend she was very lucky.  We didn't realize she said that until later.. because she thought we were a couple HA.  so yeah.. Anyway we go back and watch more men, i have one stripper come up and run his hands through my hair and grab hold and throw my head back so he can run his nose along my neck, that was quite um.. yeah.. So anyway before we left, the last stripper was up, and poor guy everyone left, we decided to sit back at the ladies table for one last show and i had ankles on my shoulders and ass bouncing in my face.  I certainly had the full gamut, we had a good time, id probably do it again lol

Why can't i leave well enough alone.. a question i continue to ponder

This isn't the first time i've been told I don't know when to leave well enough alone. call me crazy but i've spent 30 years of my life relying on a lot of my intuition and it has served me pretty well. Most recently my intuition did me right by telling me i didn't have the job that i'd been working at for the last year and a half. Yeah.. crazy i know, guess who is unemployed? Me. Thats ok because i have a backup plan and it is what it is, i knew i wouldn't get it but i also knew where i needed to be and what i needed to do.

I get online today, checking things out and BE3 has an active account on match.com. I know he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and i wholeheartedly believe that beyond the shadow of a doubt. upon further discussion with my besty, we will call her moonbaby since she shares the cancer sign with me and shes a year younger. She knows me better than any person on this earth. We share things that most people don't share and i love her to pieces for it. She is honest, she is raw and she is exactly what i needed, the truth.

I talked to her about it and she said, that maybe his way of telling me he didn't want a relationship (with me) was saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. now there is some validity to that, as most cancers tend to evade rather than confront.  As the creature in nature tend to "sidestep" when they want to avoid a confrontation or fight, a way to not hurt someone, to just sidestep the issue and go on about life. I didn't think this was true because we talked about honesty and raw emotion, good, bad and indifferent.  I'm a bit of a different crab.. maybe. My defenses shot way up and i was like, huh.. well if he wasn't ready, then why activate your account?  maybe its a habit thing, maybe its his way of putting out his feelers because he too, felt to much for me that it scared him in a way. And why am i looking there anyway, well i'm not the one that isn't ready to give my heart to someone but it is a bit habitual for me. I actually tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and think with my heart in every piece of me.. i even have my "hearts in life" i just see them in nature and get that flowing through me as if i am the only one who noticed it. I don't look for them, they just appear. but i digress, i just had this overwhelming feeling that it was a good week and i should chalk it up to that and move on. yes i have all the time in the world to think right now and thats probably not the best thing for me. yes i overthink things in all pieces of my life, but you know when you have that gut feeling.

so against my friends advice, not only moonbaby but also a gbf i have, yes that means ghetto brown friend,(stolen but its an easy nickname) they told me that i should just play it cool.   Playing it cool is for the birds. does he owe it to me? no. Did i feel like i wasn't going to see him again? yes. So i said "call me crazy but I'm usually pretty dead on about things. I'm getting the vibe that it was a good week for both of us , and I probably won't see you again.." he said "interesting. ok have a good night" of course that piqued my interest and i proceeded to ask him why he thought it was interesting.. "stop texting..", i think to myself.. uh.. ok theres my answer i guess?, i was just curious on his thoughts on the matter, the last thing i wanted to do was to bug him if he didn't want to be bugged. he said nevermind. goodnight. i asked if i'd done something wrong, i just wanted to be honest. he said no it was just an interesting thought. so yeah.. thats how it went down.

I've probably labeled myself as crazy in his world but i can't not be who i am. i have to be true to myself even if it is against my better judgement or that of others. Do i regret what i did? no. do i feel better? no, maybe. I've made the decision not to contact him, if it is meant to be, it shall be. I honestly shouldn't feel so much for him in such a short time, but i've lived long enough in this life to tell me what i'm looking for.. its like in the movie practical magic, she puts it out there to the world that she is looking for a specific kind of man, with one blue eye, one green, etc etc, basically a man that is impossible to exist.. yet he finds her. i shall always dream of my fairy tale, that perfect guy for me and i will never stop being true to myself, even if i end up ruining things, because at the end of the day, even if i think i ruined things, or overthought something, the guy that is meant for me will overlook my silliness and heart on my sleeve and accept me and tell me it is ok. at the end of the day i am me. that is all.

interesting song.. fitting in many ways

Taking a step back to move forward

I think that taking a step back in life has always been hard for me.  When i do something, I give it my all.  This blog has been a real outlet for me, I have a good support group but sometimes its just easier to push out all your thoughts in one place and then figure it out later, so here I am.  

After the post the other day, I had a lot to think about, after my best friend asked me to think about what i love more than love... I actually thought about my life, am I happy where I am?  no.  I am existing in this life and not truly living.  Most of my friends are out of state but the rest of my closer group of people live up north in Colorado Springs.  I generally go out up there and there are seemingly more jobs and better opportunity.  Is this the step I want to take? not really, should i do it?  Absolutely.  I have become comfortable here but not in the sense that I feel like my own person, because I certainly don't.  I feel comfortable in the sense that its familiar.  I am good with familiar, i don't tend to push myself outside of the box.  I can dole out that advice to others but why can't i take it myself?  Well Fuck that!  its about time i did something about it.

I have started looking at places in Colorado Springs for work, be closer to a nightlife, a city (kinda) and soooo close to the mountains.  I have in some cases taken the mountains for granted and i need them staring at me every single day for a while, so i can re-learn to appreciate this great state i come from.  I am also starting the workout routine that i have been talking about, and just getting a healthier lifestyle started.  I just spent like a million dollars at the store.

I also had a talk with him, blue eyes..(that's his new nickname and since he is #3 and 3 is supposed to be my lucky number according to my astrology encyclopedia of birthday's book, he will know be BE3.) why is it all the men in my life that meant something greater than i could imagine, all had blue eyes?  the dream of a little girl come true.  When I was writing and thinking about everything I wanted for myself I realized that I did him wrong.  I am a grown ass woman, I need to act like one.  I felt awful about leaving someone when they were down, what was I thinking.  Will i get hurt, probably, but i've been there before and I can't get too hurt because as a friend, friends come and go.. i'd be happy if he stuck around but i can't let my heart strings influence our friendship or rule it.  I know its difficult based on how we met and all but at the end of the day, like i told him in the beginning, i would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all... and i still mean that.

I apologized to him for how i acted, i officially did blame the moon, as with the phases, it did pass.  I tend to make decisions in the moment instead of truly thinking about them.  I am getting better about that and this was a little hiccup.  BE3 still occupies my mind on a daily, how could he not in just a few days.  I still log onto match.com and again today i saw he was active within 24 hours.. so it makes me wonder what that's about but i am ok with it.  in the end, he is a friend and if thats what he needs to get through then, i will support that.  It is what it is, thats what friends are for.  I am the girl that usually sees something she wants and will wait until its right.  I did that with RMH, LOD and now i find myself in the same predicament.  I just can't see myself getting involved with someone and possibly ruining the chances of having something wonderful, so right now its about friendships and focusing on my life.  if something comes, great, but i don't feel like looking anymore, call me crazy, the girl in love with love putting love on hold.. finding love that is.. i'm going to focus on loving myself.



I post this song because, i will stay with you, i will help you heal and be right by your side. Thats the person I want to be in this life. and that goes for everyone in my life, i will always be there. much love.


Cancer Jan 10 2012 This is your reminder not to give in to something you know is wrong or won't work. You may not even need reminding. After all you have a feeling of firm conviction about a certain issue. But time and pressure can eventually wear anyone down under certain circumstances - even a tenacious crab like you, Moonchild. Don't allow anyone to make you feel that you are wrong about a recent choice or decision. You felt very strongly about this from the get-go, and nothing has changed. Don't give in.

Do cancers feel too much?

I need to be on my own right now, I am moving out, yup living with mom has run its course and I need to make a decision and be on my own.  It can be a bad combo but I would rather have my privacy and own place so if I need to come home and cry into my pillow, I can do so without questions.  I don’t have to make her feel like she is being ignored when I just need some privacy.  Even now I just sit here crying and have to hide stifled tears and sobbing sounds and breathe like I’m meditating in order to get through it without questions.

I’m also starting a workout routine starting today, I need to place my energy somewhere else.  Cancers tend to cling, that’s what I’m doing, that’s not healthy.  I mean I was on match.com this morning, I let a friend use it to contact some people for her and I was checking it to see if she had anything… but the thing I saw is on my mobile app, right there is shows his picture, it shows that he was on within 24 hours.  It had been 5 days, yesterday, he pulled his profile… why was he on after I had left his house, or even this morning?  Yes I over think things constantly, I know he was being truthful with me about hiding his profile, but why was he on there now if he didn’t want to look for a relationship?  Was this the cancer thing.. look to fill a void when you’re down, maybe that’s all it was… I hoped I hadn’t hurt him last night and that he wasn’t on there to try to fill something I seemingly took from him.  My heart hurts.  I can’t help but think I have kicked him when he was down.  I asked him last night if he was ok, I also asked if we were ok, he said I worry too much and that he would be fine… he didn’t answer if we were ok..   This feeling is awful. Now I need a friend. I need a hug.  How did this whirlwind just happen?

Next step, working out, find a job, move out, start shooting more. (pictures, not guns.)

Blue eyes was the reason for my change

I realized that there has been a lot of changing within me as of late. Maybe it’s the New Year maybe it’s a new outlook but I want to say that it was having met someone new, have met him. Out of all the people I could have met, I met the gentle soul of epic proportions. I couldn’t help myself as I woke this morning, I texted him, told him to have an awesome day back at work. When we spoke yesterday, seems like he has a lot to do in his job, people coming at him at all fronts. I hope that he is ok when he gets home that with the daily stresses of work mixed with all the other stresses he has right now won’t be too overwhelming for him and that he still has a friend in me.

I woke up struggling with all of this, I feel like I lost something, I can’t shake that feeling. I talked with my best friends about it. One is hopeful that the distance will make his heart grow fonder. The other explains that it’s difficult to fully know someone in such a short time. I know that this is what I need to hear but I certainly hope for the first one. My heart tells me to show up at his house and tell him I was silly, I need to be strong and be there for him regardless. That’s what friends do right? They don’t leave when the going gets tough. Am I really leaving though? I will still be around just can’t physically be around him. I get lost in his blue green eyes, his smell, his embrace. We both fought the urge to kiss one another all afternoon, is that what it’s supposed to be like? I’m not sure but I certainly don’t like this feeling, not one bit.

I realized that all of the change has made me realize lots of things for myself. My best friend suggested that I try and focus on me, what did I really love more than love in this life? I don’t know, I don’t think I can love anything more than love, love is essential in this life, without love, what is life? What did I truly love in this life? I realized I need to travel more, then I thought about.. travel.. partner in crime, it brought me back to him.. The travel I would want to do it with someone, explore with someone.. I’ve driven across the country a few times, I never appreciated it fully because I wanted to share it with someone else, I think I would have taken more in that way. Ok so travel is out right now.

Now I realized that it’s time for me to move on. I have been saving to move back to LA. Maybe that’s not what I need to do, I love LA I do, but at the same time.. am I just being overly nostalgic and moving back to a feeling I once had when I was with LOD? Well that’s probably the case. I love southern California, I would love to live near the ocean but I think I have been longing for a time once forgotten. I can’t afford to live there, not right now. I can do what I do from anywhere, I just need to market myself, this day and age, I can market myself across the world and I can do it from a beautiful place like Colorado. Maybe I can learn to appreciate snow??

The beginning of the end? Part 3

I got up to leave and got my things and we embraced a few more times, his touch makes me feel at home.  I looked at him and told him I couldn’t do this.  The way he looks at me is not the way you look at a friend.  I can’t get over his eyes, I get lost in them each and every time.  When he looks to my right eye, then my left, then at my mouth and back at my eyes again.. it tells me he feels something more too.  I looked at him with tears in my eyes and break in my heart and told him that I couldn’t be around him.  I will be his friend but being so close to him is going to break me and I’m not ready to be broken, not by him.

 I don’t make decisions like this well, and it usually is a while before I can even admit things like this to myself but all in all, I don’t want to be in the friend zone.  I want more than that.  I will be there for him, if he needs me to hug him and tell him it will be ok, if he needs me to come over and bullshit and play pool for a while, I can do that to but with the afternoon we just had, I cannot emotionally handle it.  He told me he understood, and the fucked up thing about it was that he cried too.  He said there is just this path in life that he needs to be on right now.  I wanted him to elaborate but he was holding back a bit today.  He felt like he shouldn’t cry in front of me, said he didn’t know me well enough to do that in front of me, that kind of stung because all of this rawness that he is putting out there, he was getting two-fold from me.  I could tell he was holding back, that it was ok and he could tell me.  He said I wouldn’t get it because I’m not religious.  Regardless of religion or not, I feel, I can understand what he feels, all he has to do is open up to me.  My hand laid on his chest, I told him I will get it because I get him.  I wiped his tears from his eyes and forced him to look into mine I told him that I would still be his friend but i have to distance myself. I want him in my life but he needs to understand that I don't trust myself enough right now to keep this distance that I am supposed to keep. 

I told him this wasn’t goodbye.  I would still be here- text, phone whatever but I can’t pursue this like I’ve been, I’m constantly pushing to hang out.  This was so I could protect my heart.  I know its selfish because he needs me right now but its what had to be done,  I can’t see him right now.  I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips.  Not a full blown French kiss or anything like that but a sweet kiss… a kiss that lays lingering on my mind still, hours later.

I got in my car and just started to cry my eyes out.  I’m not sure where this leaves things.  I am on the fence about it now.. did I just screw it all up, will I ever see him again?  I’m not sure about all that but all I know is I'm crying in my bed tonight as the full moon passes over me and hopes that this is a phase that too shall pass.  I’m not ready to have him out of my life.  Ironically the song that just came on my pandora just now is perfect to describe a lot of me because of him in the last week. And even more ironic.. Pandora timed out after that played...  Goodnight.

The beginning of the end? Part 2

We decided to hang out in Pueblo on Sunday but since I stayed in Fountain after the bar hoppin, I texted him and told him I was still in town.  I ended up going to his house around 3-ish.  I brought over a bottle of wine and we chatting about the day and did our usual conversation of feelings and things.  He told me that he told his friends about me.. but one thing that he mentioned about that was that he told them he was diggin on me but wasn’t sure if I was going to be a friend or more than that.  I know that I was supposed to get more out of that than I did at the time.  Fact one, he is telling his friends about me, bonus, fact two, he is not sure what my role is in his life, fact three, I didn’t like fact two.  The piece I was supposed to get out of it.. that I still did was the fact that he is looking for that connection, good, bad indifferent, the rawness of it all.  Isn’t that what we have?  Everything he kept saying was just so perfect, I keep saying he is the guy version of me.  I told him nothing in life is perfect, but everything he keeps telling me makes me feel like I am talking through him.  What he says feels like it could have come straight from my soul.  I had to excuse myself to go tear up away from him a little bit.  I had started to in front of him but I just wanted to cry, why is this so hard?  Its laying there in front of us and we can’t push for it,  I’m not about to push him to a place that he isn’t ready but I have a hard time grasping it all because all of the cards are seemingly in the right spot.  He even mentioned that out of all the people that he has in his life.. he thinks to call me first, I’m the first one on his list to be there for him.  I don’t want to be a rebound but I want to be a new beginning a part of me hoped he would just say, you know, screw being sad, look at this girl in front of me.. let’s go live life and enjoy our moments and see what the world brings us, life is short.

We end up drinking the entire bottle of wine and I didn’t feel like I could drive all that well, so we hung out there a bit on his couch.  As I was about to sit back, he had his arm out as if to put it around me… I repositioned myself and let that happen.  I laid there in his arms, my head resting on his chest, listening to the faint sound of his heartbeat and getting lost in his scent.  I closed my eyes and just felt at peace, our breath was tandem and at one point we both took a big sigh at the same time.  The music calmed and I felt his hand on my hip with his thumb just moving back and forth over the fabric of my thin shirt.  I did not want this moment to change or end.  I had my right arm wrapped tightly around his body and at one point, I asked him if he felt awkward.  The last thing I want to do is push him out of that friendzone that he needs me in right now.  He too said it was peaceful and calming.  The moment finally broke when I started to think.  I started to get in my zone of insecurity and question it all.  I broke our embrace and he also said he had to get to the store, I knew I’d overstayed my welcome. 

The beginning of the end? Part 1

Man oh man.. this friendship thing is hard as shit, let me tell you what.  Tonight has been full of tears and emotion and well… I’ll get into all that in a minute…

After I left his house on Wednesday night, I just could not stop thinking about him.  He is forever on my mind.  We didn’t make plans again, I let him know that I’d like to see him again before he started work.  It felt weird to be so vulnerable in front of someone I’d known for a few days, I usually hold up these walls and get around them at some point.  I never felt the need to put up a wall with him.  Since that first night, after I got over my nervousness, I was able to be me, no holds barred.  I tried suggesting a few things to him, he goes back and forth with the funk, as do most humans.  We didn’t quite make it to hang out again before today (Sunday), its been a full week.

I had invited him to the employee recognition dinner that I was attending from my old employer and he politely declined on Saturday morning.  He ended up having friends over and having just a grand time.  I was out with the girls, after the dinner, we went to a friends friends, birthday at this club.  The club had screamo music on and I was just not having it, so not the way I wanted to spend my time.  I needed to get out on the dance floor and boogie, this was not the place to do it.

 As the night goes along, I get this text “How’s your night. thinking about you.”  I just grinned.  He was thinking about me.. ME.  After all this, I’m on his mind, I’m still so confused about it all.  He of course was on my mind too.  He mentioned that his friend time was helping him get out of his funk and that I, too had been a huge influence on that.  It makes me so happy to be able to do that for someone, often times I feel as though I’m not needed or my role in others’ lives is insignificant.  So he proceeds to tell me “you are my gypsy guardian angel and to top it off… you smell like sugar cookies.  Who would ask for anything more?”  WTF who is this guy, the universe dropped him in my lap and said here you go, what you were looking for, all wrapped up in a nice little package of hotness and smellygoodstuffness.  All of the ”my” stuff makes me feel good at the moment but the reality is its confusing, why the possessive terminology for a friend, ask yourselves, when was the last time you said that to a friend? Well something like it, we can’t all be sugar cookie smellin gypsy gangsters, I’ve got that parking spot reserved for life ;)

Friendship is Magic

I’m already driving south on the highway, I was a little outside of Colorado Springs but I wasn’t going to pass on the opportunity to meet up with him.  I wanted to see what this was all about, I didn’t like that we corresponded all of this over text message and I wanted to see him face to face.  I made my way north and finally got to his house.  I was so nervous going in, I wasn’t sure what I could expect with all of it.  I fumbled a little, I didn’t know how to break the ice so to speak.  I walked in and hugged him and again with that amazing smell, of course, the feeling was mutual, he mentioned that it was kinda hard because I smelled so good.  It was hard for both of us.  How do we go from where we were to where we are?  So I just opened up by showing him all I got for him.  I placed things on the small island in his kitchen and told him about what it was and why I got it.

We started to talk about what happened with the ex and he expressed that she just infiltrated him with pictures and she wanted to talk.  We didn’t go into too much detail but I know that he was upset and I can totally understand why he isn’t ready for a relationship.  He said he needed to be himself again, that he needed to find who he was again.  I have been there before.  I am the kind of person that gives my all and I don’t look back, I’ve lost myself before and sometimes I wonder if I’ve even found who I am.  I know I am a lover, I know I am a fighter, a feeler, a giver, a listener, a friend.  Fuck all the other bullshit in life.  I feel that life is what you remember, and most remember how they felt. Oh nostalgic Cancer.  I know exactly what I’m up against. 

I let him know girls are bitches.. frankly men are too sometimes but when you love someone, sometimes its hard to let that go and move forward, so you let your hurt and your heartache fill someone else so you can try to feel better.  That never works for anyone.. people still feel hurt and it doesn’t change or solve things.  I have been there.. New York made me realize a lot with all of that.  I still hurt but he (LOD) was in a different place, and I was going to project my feelings to him, he didn’t need that.  He needed to know that I loved him, as I always would and that I finally understood it was time to move forward otherwise I would still bring up the past and keep hurting both of us.

We talked a good bit of the night, played a couple of awesome games of pool and I got to know him more and more.  We are so open and honest with one another and it just felt so right.  How is it that everything can feel so right when it can’t be?  I told him I would be his friend, I meant that and I still do, we have so much in common that we even decided to be best friends.  The night came to a close and I had to go home.  I talked to him and let him know that if I was going to be his friend in all of this that I needed him to be my friend in all of this too.  If I were to cry, I too, would need him there for me to hold me and tell me it would be ok, even if he was the one that made me cry.  He and I agreed that friends it was.

  As we talked In his kitchen, I made a joke about knowing him all year and referenced Otis.   He pointed out a card on his fridge.  It read “Otis the Cactus, 1/2/2012”  he kept it and hung it where he’d see it every day.  It wasn’t so blatant in the front, but on the side, our moment in time.   He asked if I’d seen the other magnets on his fridge and I checked them out, one of them cracked me up because it said, "I noticed that you’re gangster, I’m pretty gangster myself".  That cracked my shit up because I feel kinda gangster in my fedora, It’s pimped out with a feather and all.  Why is he so amazing?  I have no clue but  I was leaving that night and I just started to cry as he hugged me goodbye.  Yeah.. I cried.. 2^nd meeting, 4 days in?  I don’t know why he brings it out in me, but he does, that raw behavior.. I told him I would need him to keep me in check because this was going to be difficult for me, that I would do my best.

 I left there that night feeling better than I had felt in the beginning of the day, maybe friendship was the answer.  I texted him and told him thank you for having me and I reiterated that I felt better than I had in the beginning.  He thanked me for coming over, thanked me for the gifts and called me his Gyspy Guardian Angel, I told him it was Gangster Gypsy and we said our goodnights and I continued my drive back to the 'Blo.

The Day after an amazing night with an amazing soul

I woke up with him on my mind, I played it cool, tried not to seem to eager but I couldn’t wait to text him.  I was up for about 3 hours and I’d had enough, asked him how he slept.  Said he slept good and was painting and had a friend on the way over.  Our texts were few and far between… it gave me an odd feeling,  My friend said.. don’t over think it, this is something I do often.  I thought ok, be cool.  He uploaded two new pics?  I’m thinking.. oh, he’s still looking, it wasn’t as good as I thought it was.. overthink overthink..stop.  OK, I’m cool (yes my little peptalk)  So the day progresses and he mentions he has been having trouble sleeping.  Dah Dah Dunnnnnn, me to the rescue!!!  I was on my way to the store anyway so I picked up some Valerian Root Extract, Tea and Calming lavender bubble bath.  Yeah bubble bath was a long shot.. but I knew it would help ;)  I even picked up some honey for his tea, wasn’t sure if he liked it a little sweet or not.  Then since he gave me such a hard time on the black licorice.. I picked him up some red licorice, yeah cute, I know.  We had plans to meet up the following day and I would give this stuff to him and hang out.

Day 4

I'm getting ready in the bathtub, soaking and looking forward to the day ahead, I’m going to see this amazing soul who I’ve felt so connected to in such a short time.  Beep, my phone lets me know I have a text… He tells me he has to cancel for today, his ex called and messed with his head quite a bit.  Let me know he wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship again.  There it was.  My heart sank.  I had that gut feeling, that something was off, he didn’t seem right the day before.  

 I looked at it like this.. I need to step back, he needs time to heal, but I’m not ready to let go of someone so amazing, what do I do?  I can say fuck it, my luck this sucks and feel bad for myself but the reality of it.. I’ve been there, I know that feeling, it’s a shitty feeling and the last thing I wanted to do is step away.  Something tells me he should be in my life.  Its not up to me to make that decision at this point, I told him I’d like to drop the stuff off I got for him, to help him sleep and say goodbye if that’s what this was.  He said, its not goodbye, “its just not right now.”  What do I do with this?  My heart just kept sinking.. its rare that I feel so strongly for someone so soon.  I tell him I understand and since I will be in his area, to let me know if he changes his mind and I’ll still be around.  He thanks me and the day progresses.  

I take the stuff I need to, to my old job, I leave and drive up north to Colorado Springs, I thought about going to the mall, I hate shopping, so I parked in the parking lot and texted a friend.  I needed someone to talk to, I needed a drink, she was down for that even though she was about to go work out, and apparently got her ass kicked by her trainer too.. ~PSA: rethink beer before you work out folks~  We went to hooters, she gave it to me straight up and told me what I needed to hear.  I am so glad I have all the friends I do, I’m so thankful and grateful for everyone.  We left so she could get to the gym and I headed out.  

Driving home, I was sad and confused but thankful.  I decided to text him (voice to text of course) and thanked him for being honest with me.  In reality he could have just not called me ever again, he was a man, that’s rare, most people aren’t that honest in such a short time. I needed to let him know that I appreciated him.  Oddly enough he texted back right away, said he was just about to text me, then he asked me to come over….