The teacher

So I did see the Colombian once again, we hung out at his place, more makeout sesh but then that was it.  He definitely is hot but there was no connection, we just weren't on the same level.  Either way, I met another Colombian man on Match, we went on a date the other night and it was a great night, but before all that we spent hours texting and talking on the phone.for a few days.

This Colombian, (the teacher) and I, had so many things in common.  we've both handled living on each coast of the country, mostly enjoying the west.  He was former navy, was in for about 4 years trying to figure out what to do with life.  he then decided to go to school and become a teacher, (something i definitely considered)  he is musically inclined, guitar and piano, my two favorites.  To top all of that off, he was born the day before me, yes same year and everything.  

We decide to meet up at Posto Pizza on 18th and 2nd ave and had an amazing time.  I notice he is not too good with eye contact, nor am I.  Neither of us fit what each other is looking for in the physical sense but we get along so famously that we are giving it a go.  We spent a few hours there, after a bottle of Pinot Noir and some amazing pizza then decide to head over to the hookah bar on the lower east side called Karma.  We sat in a dark room with red painted walls, staring at the painting of a tree on the opposite wall.  He comments on the tree and i proceed to show him what my tree looks like, i painted a tree not long ago and I wanted to show him what it was (in fact, that very tree is the profile picture to my account here, check it out.  He was so moved by this painting, and asked for it, he immediately saved it to his phone and made it his wallpaper.

The night progressed with watermelon hookah, another class of wine for each of us and a cab ride back to his car.  He lives in Jersey so he drove here to meet with me.  He gives me a ride back to the train station and as i'm saying goodbye, he gets out of his car, runs around to the passenger side and opens my door and extends his hand, as if i am royalty stepping down from a carriage.  It was the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me, a small gesture but very sweet.

We went into the date with no expectations, he kissed me on the cheek and promised we'd hang out again.  The texting has slowed down (he works two jobs so thats understandable) and i don't get the same feeling as i did before, I started to really like him, but i get the feeling I got when i told HC that i didn't think i was going to see him again, and I didn't.  Thats how things generally work, i have a date with a nice guy, thats about it, i never really hear from him again.  I'm getting older and i don't have the time to waste if someone isn't interested in that way.  This guy and I will be great friends regardless but its just nice to know.  I'm a one man woman and life is short.  But, is there something wrong with me?  i'm beginning to question this altogether.

The Colombian

Match is a weird place.  I have had good dates with BE3 (HC) and a bad date with the FBI guy.. well then i met the Colombian.  Originally he messaged me when i lived in Colorado.  I got a quirky little "wink" then we exchanged a few emails here and there, then we never spoke again.  I "closed" the connection.  sometime last week, i had another wink from him.  I emailed him straight away and said, hey i was interested in getting to know you but never heard from you.. but i'm in New York now.  i got an email back with his number and we exchanged texts here and there.  Out original plan was to hang out Wednesday but work got busy, he works in the animation industry doing films (top company to remain nameless).  Anyway he got called to LA for work so he postponed the date.

Fast forward to today, memorial day, and i get a text from him "hey Cutie"  i reply and chit chat, then ask him what he is doing, he offered to hang out and i said well i have plans later but i can probably meet before that.  I was supposed to meet with my roommate and his friends from Italia and go to the rooftop bar and he had plans at 7:30.  I met him on the upper East Side (UES) and we had sake and shared a California roll and some seaweed salad.  I didn't quite get much of a connection, he seems like he likes a particular kind of girl and well, i didn't think i fit that profile.  He does quite well for himself in his industry and told be about how he had to get into his building which was a co-op type building.  They tenants asked him so many questions in order to interview him to see if he was a match.  Anyway it was bit boring conversation, we both had places to be, so i thought we would call it a night.

As we were leaving he gets up and says "have you ever had absinthe?" I said no and he asked me if i'd like to try some.  We we leave the restaurant and i have heard of absinthe bars in NYC but it was not real absinthe.. and this was years ago, not sure but anyway we head out and start walking.  He mentioned something about having a bottle of liquor, but i thought he said vodka, i told him i didn't care, whichever, i like to go with the flow. So lo and behold I end up back at his apartment.  Yup.. how did i get here?  no freaking clue!  but thats where we were.

We walked up to the 4th floor in this decently nice building (the guy doesn't even lock his door - yeah its like that.)  I catch my breath and he heads to the kitchen.  I place my purse on his dining room table and head into the kitchen where he has poured me a glass of water.  He gets the absinthe ready and  gets the sugar cube on top, lights it on fire and we wait, its so cool to watch.  Finally our shots are ready and we both brink them down, actually in two drinks.  its so good i want to savor it but its very strong, not like bad alcohol strong that you are like Why the fuck did i just drink that but "intense" is a better word.  I'm in love with absinthe at this point, yes it was real, from france.  So we are talking then all of the sudden he leans in and kisses me!! WTF  that is something i didnt expect. I usually have pretty good receptors, i figured it would be a friends type thing, yet there i was having a colombian man tell me "girls from Colorado are good kissers" haha!  Thats actually not the first time i've heard that, guess i'm doing something right!

During the kiss, my sunglasses fall onto the floor behind me and he positions me against the breakfast bar and presses his lips to mine.  It was a steamy session of kissing and fondling and well, I will just let your imagination run with that one ;)  We left shortly after, well maybe 30 minutes or so of heavy steamy hot makeout sesh.  Lets just say we started out in the kitchen, ended up half on, half off a beanbag on his living room floor and i have a bump on my head from the leg of a chair!  Either way it was a good time and enjoyed it (PS, there was no sex for all you dirty minds out there!).  We left to meet our friends, him uptown, me downtown and he kissed me and said "bye cutie"  i figured this was the last i'd hear from him He seems like he is after one thing and has a bunch of ladies lined up. I chalked it up to being a fun time and a nice way of breaking back into the dating scene with a sexy man with great teeth a creative background and a spanish accent to make a woman melt into a puddle on the floor, oh my Colombian man, will i see you again?

Don't give up

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I saw this video today and it just put tears in my eyes. the joy the love the excitement,  there's so many times i feel like giving up on love.. then i see something like this and remember its worth fighting for.  enjoy.

no expectations

Some people change, well that's not true, some people grow.  I thought that time heals all wounds.. apparently it doesn't.  I happen to be a grower, I realize my mistakes and try to make better out of them.  its taken a long time to get to that point and I know there is still growing that I can do, i accept that.  I guess my frustration today comes from the past, a place that I thought was behind me.  My previous post was so wrong, I was wrong about it all, I can see this, I admit I was hopeful.  so here's the story:

I finally got called into work, all my efforts have not been in vain, I came to new york, I looked for work, I found work!  i did it!  I wanted to celebrate of course, so since LOD and i were supposed to hang out during the weekend with friends and that feel through, i figured why not anyway, we had a great lunch, it will be fun with drinks and all that jazz.  So I text him and say, hey, drinks to celebrate, I had sent him similar messages for this weekend previously but the iPhone sometimes doesn't respond to my messages.. plus Verizon had issues the other day and since i didn't hear back, I figured it was lost in cellular space.  The message i got back from asking to hang out this weekend (originally planned but with more people) was: "(name), Sweetie, You're apparently living here again now, and if you're happy that's great, we are not going to be hanging out though--I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is a fact.  I'm sure I don't need to explain myself..."  I had no idea, of course this came as a shock.. if we weren't going to be hanging out, why did we have lunch together, why did he tell me "see you next weekend?!  So I just wrote back "ok, I'm sorry to bother, i just figured since we had lunch and it wasn't bad, and we were going to hang out with friends, I thought we were on decent terms.  I understand , if you want me to erase your number, I can.  I just got a 'we were friendly" vibe from you last week, i'm sorry hun i didn't know"  Then i added "I'm sorry , i just figured the whole lunch thing.. I will leave you alone good luck with everything and well if you ever need anything you know where to reach me, I will erase your number, take care"  I wholeheartedly meant what I said.  The last thing i wanted to be was someone in his life who he didn't want there.  the reply I got back was "stop being so fucking dramatic...i'm fine to have lunch or drinks here and there but texts nightly is a bit much" well if he'd responded in the first place it wouldn't be, i jsut figured it was an iphone issue or verizon, whatever, and secondly WTF was i doing if not inviting him out for a drink  ugh wahtever.. but i was super hurt by this, i really had meant what i said, I wasn't some 25 year old in fucking tears going FINE THEN ILL JUST DELETE YOU, which im sure we can all say we've done probably once in our lives out of rage lol  but thats how he saw it, I replied, "I'm not being dramatic silly, I just want to have a good time with good people, i really do wish you the best, I am in a good place with things and I just don't want to bug ya, trust me the old (name) is the old (name) I've grown a lot, i'm not mad or angry I just want to celebrate and get out of the house, I have no expectations, I just want to have fun"

That was the last of our conversation, my heart sank, I hadn't been angry before but I was so infuriated by the time i get home, I have changed, i'm a good person, I've learned to keep my attitude in check (for the most part)  but the reality of it is, i've learned from so many things in my life, especially where he is concerned, and realized how to curb some of that behavior that was unsavory.  Like I said, we fought a lot.. I didn't want a relationship like that and it took me 3 years but damnit, i am a better person.  He will never see it and that is that.  i can't change the past, I can learn from it and grow and I continue to be a better person all the way around, the next man will be happy he has a woman like me, wherever he is.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. -Maria Robinson

I know that my tomorrow's gonna be alright

.. ahh the words of the man of men, Amos Lee, My heart has always been a flower.. i forever am in love with love, as i've said before, plus the weather has gone from gloomy to shiny and breezy and well its almost like im on a cloud.  I had my interview and test today, I'm pretty sure i bombed the test, but I did interview like a champ!  Afterwards, I met with my old boss, shes still pretty hyper as usual, and her friend was there, another business associate.  They were telling me about a possible position with a woman who basically needs a personal assistant.  The money would be good, there is the possibility of travel to different countries.. but the problem is.. i'm sick of working in an office, i let them know my passion is really retouching but im willing to consider it.  she sounds very posh, was apparently in films and such.  But is that what i want to do?  No, traveling sounds great if it comes with the job, but i have pets and such.. i don't know its Just a lot to take in, they are going to put me in touch with her when she returns from schooling to obtain her Masters at MIT in about 10 days.  There is another downside, apart from not wanting to be in another office job, is that its in a home office of all women, two of which happen to be lesbians, so im thinking.. great, not only will there be all women, there will be MORE ALL women haha, i don't think i could handle the estrogen.  we will see how it goes.

Upon leaving there, i texted LOD, asking if he wanted to grab lunch, lo and behold, he was free.  I find it funny that i introduced myself as direction girl and this time, I had to ask HIM for directions when i got out of the subway lol, He tells me 'walk east"  wtf.. now i don't have the Colorado mountains to guide me and i can't see the empire state building, and you expect me to know East with the sun directly overhead? haha

 When i met him, he kissed me on the cheek, gave me a hug and he said "how are you sweetie?"  its nice that i'm not just "(insert my name here)"  We had burritos hahaha, well i had a burrito bowl.  We talked it was nice, it was simple, we kept it light, asked about family, talked about pets, aging family members and had a good time.  It was really nice to see him, I didn't get the sick nervous feeling i had on my birthday, maybe because im walking into this with no expectations?  Either way, today was a good day, he made me smile, he confused me a little with the "sweetie", "baby" sweet talk but it is what it is.  I doubt i will ever change this mans mind in how he feels about me romantically, but at least we are on comfortable terms, and that is pretty good considering our history.

Is friendship to be my methadone?

I've had a lot of thoughts in and out of my head from directions internally and externally.  External thoughts always make it more difficult on me.  I never really like to hear what they have to say, some naysayers, some just knowing to let me throw a little caution to the wind and just say, " i just want you to be happy"  no matter what comes of it, i know i will be ok.. eventually... Here is a conversation i had with a good friend today:

Me: oh... well

i contacted LOD

so now he officially knows im in nyc... i asked him to lunch, he said hes pretty busy this week but im sure i will see him

(he's the ex fiancee)

Superman: right, i remember. hmmm what do you think? whats the "vibe" you are getting from him?

Me: normal LOD.. hes being friendly not overtly so.. but he is talking to me, which means im sure hes not dating someone because.. well he wouldn't respond if he was

Superman:you know him better than most i guess. Take it slow, im sure things will blossom into whatever they are supposed to be.

Me: there will be no blossoming, i am sure of it. but i just can't help myself, hes my heroin

Superman: well even if its just into better friends again. even that would help ween your way off him in "that" way so you can find a new drug... or maybe next time you can be the needle

Me: yeah well .. we shall see. is friendship to be my methadone?

addicts always go back

Superman: what good is a drug without the addict? he wouldn't be talking to you if he didn't get something out of it too.
Me: you offer a different perspective, i like that

Superman: I try lol.

Me: i hadn't thought about it, why he is in fact talking to me

Superman: because you give him a reason to WANT to talk to you. Sometimes its really that simple sweetie.

Me: huh.. interesting

i never really thought about it like that at all.. me giving him a reason to talk to me?? i guess i see how much i value myself......... i never thought that as an option

Its funny how things in life we see from mostly our own point of view, then someone else comes along and says something to make you think about it completely differently.  Why is it that i view myself as less than i should, most of us do that right?  i am my own worst enemy in a lot of ways, in love especially.  I never think im good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough, or cool enough.. FUCK, i am me, why do i go through these phases of life that allow me to be down on myself and other times i'm like fuck the world i'm one bad ass queen bitch (as one friend put it) lol

Why do i tell the world?  i never want the worlds advice, i always want the reassurance, Do i want your advice?  no.. i tell  you because i want you to tell me it will be ok, even if you don't think it will be.  I live in a world with rose colored glasses with a heart of gold and glass, she breaks easy but i'm just hopeful. 

Superman planted a seed in my head today.. another friend planted a seed not long ago that i flipped out on.  This friend was a mutual friend of LOD and I, he recently moved back from cali to NYC, and i had a facebook status that said:
 Dear Colorado,

You disappoint me with your weather. 81 yesterday, possible snow tomorrow and wind today that will blow away your knickers in a gust of fury.

Sincerely,
I wish I still lived in California
 the following comments were the last bits of what he and i exchanged: 
Him: Not cali!! NY!! 

Me: you know thats crossed my mind as well good sir! how does it feel to be back?Like i shouldnt have left :)thats how i felt when i was there in July for my birthday, although there were a few hiccups there as well 

Him: Eh... anything worth anything, is worth fighting for... just sayin...

Me: i probably read that in a way i shouldn't, but i agree with you

 

My thoughts are immediately redirected toward LOD because i do believe anything worth anything is worth fighting for, and he and i are worth fighting for... its been a back and forth in my life for so long and its just the worst feeling ever. 

 

No matter where i am in this world, my thoughts will always go to him and it will just have to be there and take its course.  i can't change how i feel, i can change how i react. but I know that i will never get over him, I will always love him, as I said, but its a love that i may just have to hold inside for years to come.

Heart on my sleeve? why yes, yes thats where its located

Its been a while, I will be as brief as I can while I fill you in on the happenings of my life.  HC and i haven't had communication since March. but prior to that, he contacted me superbowl sunday to let me know he was getting back with his ex (oh big surprise there right?!) and that we would not be able to communicate.  Well a few weeks later i noticed he had been active on match.com, I texted him and asked him about it, he said it didn't work out (another big shocker right?  yeah right).  We did small chit chat and that was it, then one night while I was out with friends, he texted , Hey Gangster, how's it going?  It was a brief conversation but it was nice.  I tried to make plans with him to no avail. and then he stopped responding.

My life had a drastic change, which close friends who are reading this already know, but I decided to take a stab at NYC one more time.  I'd been unemployed since the beginning of the year and without prospects, I decided to try and make it work in my career, rather than just some job I would have in order to live, i need livelihood, not existence.  Prior to me leaving I sent the following email to HC:

Hey there my friend! i hope life has been treating you well. I haven't heard back from you in texts in a while so i figured i'd write and say its been good. Life has certainly been interesting in the last few months. I really am happy that i got to spend a few days with you. You are a wonderful person and i wish you the very best in this life, you definitely deserve it!

I wish we could have hung out, been a PIC(partner in crime) to one another in even a friendship form, but i understand where you're at and how hard it can be. Please stay in touch, if you wish, i would certainly love that. I will be leaving on May 4th to go to New York to look for work. its been a bit rough trying to find work in the area so leaving to explore my opportunities in the new york area. i am hoping things work out but there is a chance i will be back.

anyway (omitted name) i hope life gives you what you ask for and you continue being you, you have a good soul and it was a pleasure knowing what i did of you.

Best in everything, always!

Gypsy Gangster 

I never heard from him again.  I have placed things out in the universe and things shall happen as they may.

Now that I am back in New York, I have scheduled an interview for Friday at 9:30am.  I am really looking forward to it.  All morning I have been updating my linked in profile, as well as applying for jobs and getting set up with staffing agencies, the problem with this is...  New York holds a lot of history for me, so as i am looking at my contacts on LinkedIn (something i haven't signed into in about a year or more, I see him, yes HIM the connection, the one that throws me off every time, i hear something that reminds me of him (e.g. everything).  What do i do?  yeah, i contact him.. FUCK -  does this happen to me.. yes. why? because my heart lives on my sleeve and it has a mind of its own.  I invited him to lunch or dinner, LOD replied "what the hell are you talking about, last time i checked you lived like 9 hours from me"  I just said that i was asking if he wanted to meet up and that I was living in the old neighborhood we stayed in when first moving here, he asked me how it was and mentioned he was pretty busy this week.  I let him know im around all month.  Nothing set in stone but at least he knows i'm here.

I keep reminding myself that I am here for me, i know that will not change but in the meantime, my heartstrings pull me backwards.  I keep trudging along this path in life.   My heart may always aide in my decision making, but this time i won't let it overcome me.

PS Tomorrow marks 3 years since I left NYC for Colorado, ironic how I come back almost to the day and how this day 3 years ago was me saying goodbye to LOD and today I said hello again... (aside from my birthday but we all know how that shitstorm turned out)

Road trips and smilin gypsy

So the other night, i went shopping, decided i needed some new undergarments and i trekked off to Colorado Springs, I also still planned on taking BE3 to dinner.  I got up there, did my shopping and was done.  i got a text telling me that he was still at work and he couldn't make it.  I tried, yes my persistent ass tried, to no avail.  It is what it is.  I have so many questions and I feel like i am being held from a ten foot pole.  

So anyway, the day changes and i tell him i would like to talk to him.  I have questions, i'm trying to be a friend but i don't even think that he is allowing that.  He tells me he will call me around 9ish and so I have some privacy, I leave the house and take a drive.  I get a text around 9:15 that tells me he is going to call tomorrow instead.  I tell him i left the house and he gets it, we end up talking for what we try to make short because he has things to do before bed, but yeah right, get us talking and its an hour or more later most days.

So I jump right in feet first and I'm hesitant, he doesn't owe me shit, but for the life of me, I have to know.  I ask him what he was going through, he was hesitant, he didn't want to tell me at first.  He went on a date, as i suspected, but it was because of his friends setting him up and he was just going along with it to appease.  He is like me in that respect, if i click i click, if i don't then its just that and no hard feelings.  Anyway just the way the night rounded out for him just gave him some lost hope.  I've been there myself so many times.  Lost hope, lost sight, just lost in general, fuck the dumb shit and do what you do.

I told him i felt like he was closing me out as a friend and I didn't like it, he let me know that when i met him it was a time he was off of work and now he is back.  He certainly loves his job, not many people do, i think its important, he is very dedicated and it does take a lot of his time, which is something i will have to learn to accept and know.  He just isn't as available as he was before.  Either way, that helps me understand things better and knowing is half the battle.  

He also mentioned he is in a place in his life where he needs to be alone, he said he would be a hermit, i said it was fitting since he was a cancer (crab) so instead of BE3, his name is now HC or Hermit Crab, yes.. thats what it is, we giggled and just laughed about being president of the hermit club and well, it was good to hear him laugh and to laugh with him.

I also let him know i think of him daily, he said that was bad because of where he is at, he will be there for at least 6 months or more.  I told him its fine, its just that in his profile, it says he wants that girl that just says "there's something about this guy i just can't get over"  well son of a bitch if that girl isn't me.  Its a curse, i do wear my heart on my sleeve and i told him that I wouldn't put him in a situation that he didn't want to be in or need to be in, its just something i can't help. I know and told him that if i had a relationship with him right now, i would get my heart broken.  he just isn't ready for that and frankly, I'm not either.  I thought i was ready to date but the reality of it all is that I have a lot of shit i need to do in my life right now.

All that being said, I'm not going to bullshit him or myself.  I know what it is and its just that.  I told him that i've not dated in Colorado, except for one guy, and i vowed to myself that i wouldn't date.  I always planned to move back to Cali and well, there was a reason i joined match.  There was a reason he and i met when we did, people are in your life for a reason a season or a lifetime, i am not sure which and maybe we are just meant to be friends, and if thats what it is, then its just that.  I will probably not like that but i know he is supposed to be in my life for a long time.

As the night went on, i finally drove my car back home and i sat in front of the house for another 45 minutes.  I told him that no matter what, there is always going to be those shit moments in life, acceptance is where he needs to get to, thats all it really is, accepting the things that we cannot change, learning from the things that have happened and moving forward in this life.  Life is too short to be pissed off at the world.  I told him that no matter what, he needs to be the change he sees in the world, if he sees divorce and cheating and all the shitty stuff that comes with relationships, then he can strive for the betterment in life he wants to have.  I don't settle, and i won't settle for part of what i'm worth or part of what this world is worth to me.

just after the hermit talk, I told him that maybe he needs a road trip, It would do it him good.  he was like naw, that not what i need right now, I said no, not right now but in time, it would do him good.  I told him I wanted to make a pact, so we made a pact. I plan on driving another VW bus at some point in my life and when i get it, i asked him to come along, he said it depends on where we are going.  Thats the beauty of it all, I told him, we get to choose where we want to go, I will drive a westfalia, there will be two beds, a cooler for the beer, a rockin sound system so we can listen to instrumental hip hop, rockabilly and whatever else he wanted to listen to, and my stuff of course lol.  I got immediate membership into the hermit club, for just owning a VW bus.

All in all, it was a good talk, a good night.  I told him that he needs to find at least one thing a day that makes him smile.  He said there were a few things everyday that makes him smile, today it was work, working on his truck and talking to me.  smilin Gypsy is where i'm at now, He's worth it, you all can call me crazy but..

happy endings, do they exist?

I've asked myself this question time and time again, do happy endings exist?  i believe they do but then again i am the girl looking for her fairy tale right?  I had a conversation with BE3 this evening and without going into too much detail to protect his privacy we talked about the sanctity of marriage.  So many people are divorced these days, so many people have been cheated on or done the cheating themselves and we start thinking... is this what it will really be like?  Will this happen to me if i say "I do" (someday) ?  there is no way to know the answer right now... people do what they do, its a shitty piece of life that so many do not respect their vows, til death do us part, through thick and thin, well what the fuck world?  

I am 30 years old and I am not married, is there something wrong with me?  Hell no, i am a confident (mostly), sexy, funny (hilarious really), sweet soul that has a little firecracker in her!  i posted a fitting video a couple of posts down about a week or more ago that says it all.  Society thinks there is something wrong with me for not having all that white picket fence and 3 kids runnin around with my husband coming home to my welcome arms and talk about the day.  Well you know what, fuck you society.. that's right.  I don't need anyone or the world for that matter telling me how to live my life and what i need to do in this life to fit in.  I'm fine with being unique.  

I was packing today and I took the wedding dress that hangs in my closet and packed it away until I move.  I found "congratulations on your engagement" cards (those went in the trash)  It was great while it lasted but when it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't.  It took me a long time to realize this, i even just recently deleted LOD's phone number, why have it, its over, my cancer self tends to dwell in the past but its done, i gave it the old college try and it still didn't work out.  It was my decision to call off the wedding.  Did i stop loving him?  no, and i probably never will, its just a different kind of love, love of a friend, even though we will probably never talk again.  does it hurt? yeah of course.. there is still a little pain in there but the triumph of it all is that i never lost hope... there was always that piece of me that had hope... my hope has shifted from him to something greater.  I will never stop believing in love.  I will never stop believing that this world has that "one" in it for me.  I can't afford to believe it doesn't exist, am i crazy? sure some of you might think, so but i don't.  

I have a hopeful heart and no matter how shitty this world can be, i know that the man i find, will be lucky.  I am an awesome woman, I am strong, I am sensitive, I give my all, I am there when he is down, I am all I can be, for him (except a good cook lol).  I will never stop being me, so many lose themselves in relationships but i am not going to let that happen, not again.  I will be there, through thick and thin, I will always love and cherish him, when i find that man for me, he will get me as I get him and we will have that happily ever after, we will be that cute 80 year old couple you see canoodling on the park bench feeding the squirrels.  I will never stop believing, no matter how harsh this world is to me.. it will happen.  life is too short to live without believing.

I told him (BE3) that i would be taking him to dinner tomorrow and i wouldn't take no for an answer.  he said we'll see.. that's not no per se, but in guy terms that means no.. I'm no dummy lol.  Regardless, i was told tonight "you're too good to date right now... ...I'd rather you be a friend so I don't have to lose this connection, I think any relationship will fail and i won't be able to talk to you".  I spoke with a friend last night and she said it was a bad excuse... about why he is on match.. hes not bullshitting me, he just isn't divulging everything to me, he doesn't need to.  i have a feeling he is dating, meeting people.. that's fine, that's what i want him to do.. i am his friend, and if we did date now, it would be bad.  i am on a path of new discovery and he needs to deal with some things, he needs time.  I don't want him to date me right now, as crazy as that sounds.. he has a deeper purpose in my life and eventually we will get there.  but i digress, i'm not ready to lose that connection either.  i told him he never will. Belief is a strong power.. and right now I have belief, faith as some of you call it, as i may call it from time to time.. things happen for a reason.  Right now, he needs me as his friend as I need him for mine.  This isn't the end, there is a time for rebirth and friendship will always come first.. that continues tomorrow.... whatever will be, will be.  Stay tuned and please... leave comments, your thoughts on marriage, on love, on if you think im crazy.. id love to hear what you all think.

Moving forward step 1

Today i enlisted the girls help in getting some things packed.  Yes i am moving, i don't have the job yet but I will.  I decided it was good to get a head start and pack slowly.  There are certainly things I can't pack just yet but why not pack what I can. 

I have decided I need more desk space too, so I have been coming up with ideas.  I plan to get an old door, paint it all cool, maybe antique it and find some cool metal "legs" and attach them to one side, then  place a piece of glass over it.  So if anyone reading this knows of some old sturdy doors that might be going in the garbagio, please inform me.  

So the first part of the moving has commenced and I will also be buying lights to get that going for me and certainly start shooting.  I'd like to rent a two bedroom apartment and turn on part of it into a studio, i would rather not have the desk in the studio but maybe thats not such a bad idea.. hmm.  wow ok you all have just been invited into my thought process too, yes my brain is that simple haha.

News on the BE3 front has been just about the same. We have talked a few times, phone and text, its been few and far between.  I got to the bottom of the match stuff, pretty much like i gathered, he is just there, not really looking but looking to look.  I go through the same stuff, I never expect anything to happen but in life, what is it if you don't at least give it a go.  I know he is still not ready to date but it is what it is.  I am still there for him as he is with me, we just have to give it time.  I had mentioned to him that he will find his "click" etc and he replied, "i'm not really looking though either.  you know we clicked.  I told him i knew and i just wanted to give him time to figure things out but nothing is ever set in stone in life, like he said he believes in fate, we may have clicked but that doesn't mean its the end all be all, its a nice though but he could find his 10 (i'm an 8.5 lol, damn black licorice lovin me) in the meantime.  i'm not really looking either.  i'm on a mission right now and my life is focused on making things better for myself, thus the moving and light buying.

I still don't know where it leaves things, and i am ok with that, for the most part.  I still feel like i kicked him when he was down and i shouldn't have been so selfish and told him i couldn't be around him, though i would still be there for him.  His profile is inactive once again and i just feel like something is up.  i reached out to let him know if he needed anything he could call upon me but i've yet to hear anything.  He will get in touch with me when he needs me.  I just can't shake the feeling that he is in my life for a reason, maybe its to give me hope in love, because that was lost for a long time.  Maybe its because he will later be in my life in a large capacity, that i do not yet know, but i am not giving up, I still smile when i think of him and my friend lastnight could not get over how smitten i still am with him though things have changed since the 1st of the year.

Some of you reading this will be shaking your head and telling me through your computer screen not to wear my heart on my sleeve, that i should leave well enough alone.  I will just say this, I am glad you care so much for my heart strings but in some cases you just can't help what you feel and this one is special regardless of what the future holds.  Even if he disappears tomorrow, there was a spark, and that's a feeling that no one can take away.  I will be sad if that happens but I will still move forward and find that one that makes it happen all over again, although i do wish it to be him, i'm looking for my best friend in life.  I wonder if he still has "otis."

Booze, booty and boobies + dingaling with a wiggle wiggle wiggle, yeah

My gorgeous gbf, mentioned before, had her birthday, where does she want to go... STRIP CLUB.  yup, we trek to Denver.  Little gypsy hasn't ever been to a strip club, i've had a lapdance,  I was 16, yes bright idea of folks in Pueblo deciding to have an all ages all male review.  So anyway, I looked for the picture but I cannot find it, i am sure I will when i unpack and once I do... i will show you all.

So we go up there and there is lion man with his mane of hair just humping the dance floor, yeah it was uh.. well.... i don't even know.. i just saw hair, at first i thought it was a woman.. because all i saw was the backside and hair.  This was a male/female strip club so there were lots of ladies and one male platform.  We cozy in and gbf's niece says, are you ready?!  HELL YEAH i say, ok.. she meant ready to have sweaty man dancer all up in my shit... uh, no.. she was like sit here and she shoved a dollar in my cleavage.  Man those strippers will do anything for a buck.. so he leans me back and grabs it out of my boobs with his teeth.. uh.. classic move, they all did this.  So hes like rubbing my hands all over him and i am embarrassed and looking around going, omg, this is nuts.  it was. 

A few other dancers come up, one was all up on me with his BO stank and it was just like, can this end please, am i supposed to look like i am enjoying this? lol  yeah so it was definitely a different experience.  My friend tells me I have to get dances from the girls too, just to you know, have the full experience, she did the same the first time she came and it was just how it should go.  Fine, i agree and we go sit over at the closest platform.  Girl stripper comes up and i have yet another dollar in my boobs.. she grabs my boobs.. yes MY BOOBS and motorboats them, she had her full face in there just going to town.. then she grabbed them and bounced them around, told my friend she was very lucky.  We didn't realize she said that until later.. because she thought we were a couple HA.  so yeah.. Anyway we go back and watch more men, i have one stripper come up and run his hands through my hair and grab hold and throw my head back so he can run his nose along my neck, that was quite um.. yeah.. So anyway before we left, the last stripper was up, and poor guy everyone left, we decided to sit back at the ladies table for one last show and i had ankles on my shoulders and ass bouncing in my face.  I certainly had the full gamut, we had a good time, id probably do it again lol

Why can't i leave well enough alone.. a question i continue to ponder

This isn't the first time i've been told I don't know when to leave well enough alone. call me crazy but i've spent 30 years of my life relying on a lot of my intuition and it has served me pretty well. Most recently my intuition did me right by telling me i didn't have the job that i'd been working at for the last year and a half. Yeah.. crazy i know, guess who is unemployed? Me. Thats ok because i have a backup plan and it is what it is, i knew i wouldn't get it but i also knew where i needed to be and what i needed to do.

I get online today, checking things out and BE3 has an active account on match.com. I know he said he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and i wholeheartedly believe that beyond the shadow of a doubt. upon further discussion with my besty, we will call her moonbaby since she shares the cancer sign with me and shes a year younger. She knows me better than any person on this earth. We share things that most people don't share and i love her to pieces for it. She is honest, she is raw and she is exactly what i needed, the truth.

I talked to her about it and she said, that maybe his way of telling me he didn't want a relationship (with me) was saying he wasn't ready for a relationship. now there is some validity to that, as most cancers tend to evade rather than confront.  As the creature in nature tend to "sidestep" when they want to avoid a confrontation or fight, a way to not hurt someone, to just sidestep the issue and go on about life. I didn't think this was true because we talked about honesty and raw emotion, good, bad and indifferent.  I'm a bit of a different crab.. maybe. My defenses shot way up and i was like, huh.. well if he wasn't ready, then why activate your account?  maybe its a habit thing, maybe its his way of putting out his feelers because he too, felt to much for me that it scared him in a way. And why am i looking there anyway, well i'm not the one that isn't ready to give my heart to someone but it is a bit habitual for me. I actually tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and think with my heart in every piece of me.. i even have my "hearts in life" i just see them in nature and get that flowing through me as if i am the only one who noticed it. I don't look for them, they just appear. but i digress, i just had this overwhelming feeling that it was a good week and i should chalk it up to that and move on. yes i have all the time in the world to think right now and thats probably not the best thing for me. yes i overthink things in all pieces of my life, but you know when you have that gut feeling.

so against my friends advice, not only moonbaby but also a gbf i have, yes that means ghetto brown friend,(stolen but its an easy nickname) they told me that i should just play it cool.   Playing it cool is for the birds. does he owe it to me? no. Did i feel like i wasn't going to see him again? yes. So i said "call me crazy but I'm usually pretty dead on about things. I'm getting the vibe that it was a good week for both of us , and I probably won't see you again.." he said "interesting. ok have a good night" of course that piqued my interest and i proceeded to ask him why he thought it was interesting.. "stop texting..", i think to myself.. uh.. ok theres my answer i guess?, i was just curious on his thoughts on the matter, the last thing i wanted to do was to bug him if he didn't want to be bugged. he said nevermind. goodnight. i asked if i'd done something wrong, i just wanted to be honest. he said no it was just an interesting thought. so yeah.. thats how it went down.

I've probably labeled myself as crazy in his world but i can't not be who i am. i have to be true to myself even if it is against my better judgement or that of others. Do i regret what i did? no. do i feel better? no, maybe. I've made the decision not to contact him, if it is meant to be, it shall be. I honestly shouldn't feel so much for him in such a short time, but i've lived long enough in this life to tell me what i'm looking for.. its like in the movie practical magic, she puts it out there to the world that she is looking for a specific kind of man, with one blue eye, one green, etc etc, basically a man that is impossible to exist.. yet he finds her. i shall always dream of my fairy tale, that perfect guy for me and i will never stop being true to myself, even if i end up ruining things, because at the end of the day, even if i think i ruined things, or overthought something, the guy that is meant for me will overlook my silliness and heart on my sleeve and accept me and tell me it is ok. at the end of the day i am me. that is all.

interesting song.. fitting in many ways

Taking a step back to move forward

I think that taking a step back in life has always been hard for me.  When i do something, I give it my all.  This blog has been a real outlet for me, I have a good support group but sometimes its just easier to push out all your thoughts in one place and then figure it out later, so here I am.  

After the post the other day, I had a lot to think about, after my best friend asked me to think about what i love more than love... I actually thought about my life, am I happy where I am?  no.  I am existing in this life and not truly living.  Most of my friends are out of state but the rest of my closer group of people live up north in Colorado Springs.  I generally go out up there and there are seemingly more jobs and better opportunity.  Is this the step I want to take? not really, should i do it?  Absolutely.  I have become comfortable here but not in the sense that I feel like my own person, because I certainly don't.  I feel comfortable in the sense that its familiar.  I am good with familiar, i don't tend to push myself outside of the box.  I can dole out that advice to others but why can't i take it myself?  Well Fuck that!  its about time i did something about it.

I have started looking at places in Colorado Springs for work, be closer to a nightlife, a city (kinda) and soooo close to the mountains.  I have in some cases taken the mountains for granted and i need them staring at me every single day for a while, so i can re-learn to appreciate this great state i come from.  I am also starting the workout routine that i have been talking about, and just getting a healthier lifestyle started.  I just spent like a million dollars at the store.

I also had a talk with him, blue eyes..(that's his new nickname and since he is #3 and 3 is supposed to be my lucky number according to my astrology encyclopedia of birthday's book, he will know be BE3.) why is it all the men in my life that meant something greater than i could imagine, all had blue eyes?  the dream of a little girl come true.  When I was writing and thinking about everything I wanted for myself I realized that I did him wrong.  I am a grown ass woman, I need to act like one.  I felt awful about leaving someone when they were down, what was I thinking.  Will i get hurt, probably, but i've been there before and I can't get too hurt because as a friend, friends come and go.. i'd be happy if he stuck around but i can't let my heart strings influence our friendship or rule it.  I know its difficult based on how we met and all but at the end of the day, like i told him in the beginning, i would rather have him as a friend than nothing at all... and i still mean that.

I apologized to him for how i acted, i officially did blame the moon, as with the phases, it did pass.  I tend to make decisions in the moment instead of truly thinking about them.  I am getting better about that and this was a little hiccup.  BE3 still occupies my mind on a daily, how could he not in just a few days.  I still log onto match.com and again today i saw he was active within 24 hours.. so it makes me wonder what that's about but i am ok with it.  in the end, he is a friend and if thats what he needs to get through then, i will support that.  It is what it is, thats what friends are for.  I am the girl that usually sees something she wants and will wait until its right.  I did that with RMH, LOD and now i find myself in the same predicament.  I just can't see myself getting involved with someone and possibly ruining the chances of having something wonderful, so right now its about friendships and focusing on my life.  if something comes, great, but i don't feel like looking anymore, call me crazy, the girl in love with love putting love on hold.. finding love that is.. i'm going to focus on loving myself.



I post this song because, i will stay with you, i will help you heal and be right by your side. Thats the person I want to be in this life. and that goes for everyone in my life, i will always be there. much love.


Cancer Jan 10 2012 This is your reminder not to give in to something you know is wrong or won't work. You may not even need reminding. After all you have a feeling of firm conviction about a certain issue. But time and pressure can eventually wear anyone down under certain circumstances - even a tenacious crab like you, Moonchild. Don't allow anyone to make you feel that you are wrong about a recent choice or decision. You felt very strongly about this from the get-go, and nothing has changed. Don't give in.

Do cancers feel too much?

I need to be on my own right now, I am moving out, yup living with mom has run its course and I need to make a decision and be on my own.  It can be a bad combo but I would rather have my privacy and own place so if I need to come home and cry into my pillow, I can do so without questions.  I don’t have to make her feel like she is being ignored when I just need some privacy.  Even now I just sit here crying and have to hide stifled tears and sobbing sounds and breathe like I’m meditating in order to get through it without questions.

I’m also starting a workout routine starting today, I need to place my energy somewhere else.  Cancers tend to cling, that’s what I’m doing, that’s not healthy.  I mean I was on match.com this morning, I let a friend use it to contact some people for her and I was checking it to see if she had anything… but the thing I saw is on my mobile app, right there is shows his picture, it shows that he was on within 24 hours.  It had been 5 days, yesterday, he pulled his profile… why was he on after I had left his house, or even this morning?  Yes I over think things constantly, I know he was being truthful with me about hiding his profile, but why was he on there now if he didn’t want to look for a relationship?  Was this the cancer thing.. look to fill a void when you’re down, maybe that’s all it was… I hoped I hadn’t hurt him last night and that he wasn’t on there to try to fill something I seemingly took from him.  My heart hurts.  I can’t help but think I have kicked him when he was down.  I asked him last night if he was ok, I also asked if we were ok, he said I worry too much and that he would be fine… he didn’t answer if we were ok..   This feeling is awful. Now I need a friend. I need a hug.  How did this whirlwind just happen?

Next step, working out, find a job, move out, start shooting more. (pictures, not guns.)

Blue eyes was the reason for my change

I realized that there has been a lot of changing within me as of late. Maybe it’s the New Year maybe it’s a new outlook but I want to say that it was having met someone new, have met him. Out of all the people I could have met, I met the gentle soul of epic proportions. I couldn’t help myself as I woke this morning, I texted him, told him to have an awesome day back at work. When we spoke yesterday, seems like he has a lot to do in his job, people coming at him at all fronts. I hope that he is ok when he gets home that with the daily stresses of work mixed with all the other stresses he has right now won’t be too overwhelming for him and that he still has a friend in me.

I woke up struggling with all of this, I feel like I lost something, I can’t shake that feeling. I talked with my best friends about it. One is hopeful that the distance will make his heart grow fonder. The other explains that it’s difficult to fully know someone in such a short time. I know that this is what I need to hear but I certainly hope for the first one. My heart tells me to show up at his house and tell him I was silly, I need to be strong and be there for him regardless. That’s what friends do right? They don’t leave when the going gets tough. Am I really leaving though? I will still be around just can’t physically be around him. I get lost in his blue green eyes, his smell, his embrace. We both fought the urge to kiss one another all afternoon, is that what it’s supposed to be like? I’m not sure but I certainly don’t like this feeling, not one bit.

I realized that all of the change has made me realize lots of things for myself. My best friend suggested that I try and focus on me, what did I really love more than love in this life? I don’t know, I don’t think I can love anything more than love, love is essential in this life, without love, what is life? What did I truly love in this life? I realized I need to travel more, then I thought about.. travel.. partner in crime, it brought me back to him.. The travel I would want to do it with someone, explore with someone.. I’ve driven across the country a few times, I never appreciated it fully because I wanted to share it with someone else, I think I would have taken more in that way. Ok so travel is out right now.

Now I realized that it’s time for me to move on. I have been saving to move back to LA. Maybe that’s not what I need to do, I love LA I do, but at the same time.. am I just being overly nostalgic and moving back to a feeling I once had when I was with LOD? Well that’s probably the case. I love southern California, I would love to live near the ocean but I think I have been longing for a time once forgotten. I can’t afford to live there, not right now. I can do what I do from anywhere, I just need to market myself, this day and age, I can market myself across the world and I can do it from a beautiful place like Colorado. Maybe I can learn to appreciate snow??

The beginning of the end? Part 3

I got up to leave and got my things and we embraced a few more times, his touch makes me feel at home.  I looked at him and told him I couldn’t do this.  The way he looks at me is not the way you look at a friend.  I can’t get over his eyes, I get lost in them each and every time.  When he looks to my right eye, then my left, then at my mouth and back at my eyes again.. it tells me he feels something more too.  I looked at him with tears in my eyes and break in my heart and told him that I couldn’t be around him.  I will be his friend but being so close to him is going to break me and I’m not ready to be broken, not by him.

 I don’t make decisions like this well, and it usually is a while before I can even admit things like this to myself but all in all, I don’t want to be in the friend zone.  I want more than that.  I will be there for him, if he needs me to hug him and tell him it will be ok, if he needs me to come over and bullshit and play pool for a while, I can do that to but with the afternoon we just had, I cannot emotionally handle it.  He told me he understood, and the fucked up thing about it was that he cried too.  He said there is just this path in life that he needs to be on right now.  I wanted him to elaborate but he was holding back a bit today.  He felt like he shouldn’t cry in front of me, said he didn’t know me well enough to do that in front of me, that kind of stung because all of this rawness that he is putting out there, he was getting two-fold from me.  I could tell he was holding back, that it was ok and he could tell me.  He said I wouldn’t get it because I’m not religious.  Regardless of religion or not, I feel, I can understand what he feels, all he has to do is open up to me.  My hand laid on his chest, I told him I will get it because I get him.  I wiped his tears from his eyes and forced him to look into mine I told him that I would still be his friend but i have to distance myself. I want him in my life but he needs to understand that I don't trust myself enough right now to keep this distance that I am supposed to keep. 

I told him this wasn’t goodbye.  I would still be here- text, phone whatever but I can’t pursue this like I’ve been, I’m constantly pushing to hang out.  This was so I could protect my heart.  I know its selfish because he needs me right now but its what had to be done,  I can’t see him right now.  I leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek and he kissed me on the lips.  Not a full blown French kiss or anything like that but a sweet kiss… a kiss that lays lingering on my mind still, hours later.

I got in my car and just started to cry my eyes out.  I’m not sure where this leaves things.  I am on the fence about it now.. did I just screw it all up, will I ever see him again?  I’m not sure about all that but all I know is I'm crying in my bed tonight as the full moon passes over me and hopes that this is a phase that too shall pass.  I’m not ready to have him out of my life.  Ironically the song that just came on my pandora just now is perfect to describe a lot of me because of him in the last week. And even more ironic.. Pandora timed out after that played...  Goodnight.

The beginning of the end? Part 2

We decided to hang out in Pueblo on Sunday but since I stayed in Fountain after the bar hoppin, I texted him and told him I was still in town.  I ended up going to his house around 3-ish.  I brought over a bottle of wine and we chatting about the day and did our usual conversation of feelings and things.  He told me that he told his friends about me.. but one thing that he mentioned about that was that he told them he was diggin on me but wasn’t sure if I was going to be a friend or more than that.  I know that I was supposed to get more out of that than I did at the time.  Fact one, he is telling his friends about me, bonus, fact two, he is not sure what my role is in his life, fact three, I didn’t like fact two.  The piece I was supposed to get out of it.. that I still did was the fact that he is looking for that connection, good, bad indifferent, the rawness of it all.  Isn’t that what we have?  Everything he kept saying was just so perfect, I keep saying he is the guy version of me.  I told him nothing in life is perfect, but everything he keeps telling me makes me feel like I am talking through him.  What he says feels like it could have come straight from my soul.  I had to excuse myself to go tear up away from him a little bit.  I had started to in front of him but I just wanted to cry, why is this so hard?  Its laying there in front of us and we can’t push for it,  I’m not about to push him to a place that he isn’t ready but I have a hard time grasping it all because all of the cards are seemingly in the right spot.  He even mentioned that out of all the people that he has in his life.. he thinks to call me first, I’m the first one on his list to be there for him.  I don’t want to be a rebound but I want to be a new beginning a part of me hoped he would just say, you know, screw being sad, look at this girl in front of me.. let’s go live life and enjoy our moments and see what the world brings us, life is short.

We end up drinking the entire bottle of wine and I didn’t feel like I could drive all that well, so we hung out there a bit on his couch.  As I was about to sit back, he had his arm out as if to put it around me… I repositioned myself and let that happen.  I laid there in his arms, my head resting on his chest, listening to the faint sound of his heartbeat and getting lost in his scent.  I closed my eyes and just felt at peace, our breath was tandem and at one point we both took a big sigh at the same time.  The music calmed and I felt his hand on my hip with his thumb just moving back and forth over the fabric of my thin shirt.  I did not want this moment to change or end.  I had my right arm wrapped tightly around his body and at one point, I asked him if he felt awkward.  The last thing I want to do is push him out of that friendzone that he needs me in right now.  He too said it was peaceful and calming.  The moment finally broke when I started to think.  I started to get in my zone of insecurity and question it all.  I broke our embrace and he also said he had to get to the store, I knew I’d overstayed my welcome.