rekindling what?

Its March and we are back on the same path, I decide to change things up a bit, show him  I mean business!  Its his birthday mid-month and i decide to take him on our first real date.  I told him he could pick the restaurant, anywhere he wanted to go and we'd be there.  This guy is a fine dining chef and I want to impress him.  He picks a restaurant where they have fancy white cloth table cloths, two glasses, and a full set up of silverware.  They bring us bread with oil and herbs mixed in... I have no clue, who'd have thunk to eat oil...!!!  Oh but it was delightful.  I'd never been at a place like this, I didn't even have a nice enough purse, I had to borrow one for the evening.  We sipped on wine (him beer) and had a lovely dinner.  The food was so delicious and I wanted to make this my new favorite place!  The bill ended up being $85 and i'm like uh.. alrighty then.  I'm from a smaller town with no places like this at all so it was a bit of a shocker to me.  We enjoyed the company, full of delicious food and went home.  I was smiling ear to ear, thinking that this was going somewhere wonderful and dreamed of the day he'd ask me to be exclusive.  Call me a little old fashioned but thats kind of how it works in my head, the guy asks the girl to be his lady and life is a little more merrier.

About a week and a half later... its Reggae Tuesday!!!!  A group of us decide to get our groove on with some nice jams and a few drinks and have a good time.  He and i hadn't really progressed it was get together here and there and that was about it.  I was beginning to lose faith in it all so i decided to have a grand time regardless of my "status" or lack thereof.  Reggae jams, a nice cool night with the ocean breeze wafting in and a few sexy drinks, we're having a blast.  Of course we are both smokers and since his "baggie" was "confiscated" and given to the band, he was outside a lot.  I get a few drinks in me and I tend to smoke em if i got em.. well i used to back then.  Anyhow, I was outside and it seemed that every time i went outside there was this nice gentleman there chatting me up.  We just happened to be outside at the same time always, didn't time it that way or anything, just how it was.  Every once in a while, Mr. lack of direction would find his way outside and stand next to me, or chat with the guy that was obviously flirting with me.  He even put his arm around me a few times, I figured that's the male equivalent of them battling each other in the forest for the lady in question.  This was a bizarre feeling.

I ended up getting Mr. flirty smoker's phone number and calling it a night.  Of course Mr. Lack of Direction, lets call him LOD for short, comes home with me.  We wake up the next day and hang out and he's wanting a little more attention than I am willing to give him at this point.  He asks me whats wrong and of course I sit down and have the burrito talk ALL over again.  History tends to repeat itself and i had that sick feeling again that I was going to lose this fun lovin' guy because i had commitment issues (meaning i needed him to lease the cow or i wasn't giving the milk for free).  He of course didn't want to talk about it and I replayed the previous nights scenario.  I told him i got that guys number and i wasn't about to sit and not live my life because he wanted to be with me but didn't want to really call it anything.  He conceded and realized he might lose this special lady and that night i became his girlfriend.  It was official, March was a beautiful month!

March 1, 2004

School was out for the week, my 3rd session of school complete.  I had just moved into a new place and needed to take rent to the landlords.  My roommates had all gone home to visit for the week, some in state some out of state.  I wasn't so fortunate, i didn't have the luxury of just gallivanting off at the drop of a hat.  I went to the school to get an advance on the school loan and go to the bank to cash it.

I was leaving school and since it doesn't rain all that often in southern California, i figured the roads might be a bit slick, i put my seat belt on... i wasn't one to drive with it all the time.  That thought possibly saved my life.  Less than 30 seconds later, my front end was hit and i was pushed across into the oncoming lane, good thing it was a slow traffic day.  Compact car against SUV, i was in the compact car.  I rode in an ambulance for the first time and was released later that day after initial examination.  My body was bruised and sore, i had no car.  I think i took a cab home that day but don't recall. 

I got home to no one, its like when you're sick and you just need someone to take care of you, that's how i felt.  I called him.  I felt broken, I think that day he was working but i left a message anyway, maybe i left a couple.  He came over that night and took me in his arms.  It was a tender night and a beautiful rekindling.  Something told me it wasn't over then... we had such a strong connection that I couldn't just stand and let it slip away again...

To Burrito or Not to Burrito

Ahh, yes, the Burrito Story.... We had been dating for a few weeks now, gone camping on the beach, hung out with the group, spent many nights together and me, not being a seasoned dater, decide to bring up the talk. 

We went to get burritos at a 24 hour place out by the university, hoppin place, decent burritos and 24 hours??  who doesn't love that?!  I had been pretty quiet that night and on the drive back to my place... I told him i wanted to talk to him.  I am pretty sure he knew what was coming.  It was around February 5th, Valentines day is just around the corner and I had never been with anyone on the "Hallmark Holiday" as people call it.

We sit down on the couch and I took a deep breath, I decided to go for it.  I asked him where he saw "us" going...  silence  oh god oh no, what did i do... but I did need to know.  I sat there in anticipation, waiting, trying to see what he would say... he took a bite of his carne asada burrito and chewed, contemplating, thinking about what to say.  There was a point where i didn't think he would say a word, though when he did, it wasn't what i had anticipated.  Out of his mouth came, "We can talk about it after i finish my burrito"  His burrito came and went, then he went home.  i kicked myself for asking, did I do it wrong, was I not suppose to ask?  Did I just ruin it?  I didn't sleep well that night, he never did give me an answer.

Valentines day had come and gone, I hadn't really seen or heard from him.  We talked a little here and there but i was sure I scared him off.  Burritos have never been the same with me.  I remember that night like it was just a few moments ago, the feeling, the anticipation, the anxiety, little did i know, he would make it back into my life.

It happened one night

Its funny how things just fall into your lap.  I have always been the girl that's crazy in love and I've moved around looking for love and never really giving myself a chance in life, a dream chaser if you will.  I had been at school for about 4 months and sometime before winter break, I said, forget the men, forget the love right now, I need to love me.  I stopped looking for love and focused on my school work.

It didn't take long for me to fall back into that place of love and dreams.  January 8, 2004 I came back to school after visiting the fam for the holidays.  My roommates and I had new neighbors moving in downstairs and since I was the first one to return from the airport, I invited them to hang out.  It was a Thursday and we weren't scheduled to start school until the following Monday, I figured they could use some hang out time and a chance to get to know the city better with seasoned photo geeks.

After my roommates came home and the guys came up we were having a good time and one of the guys was on his phone looking at the map on our fridge giving his friend directions.  Now lets face it.... guys and directions, well you know how the story goes.  I offered to give him directions and took over the phone.  This southern boy was not too far away but here I am thinking this poor country bumpkin, lost in the big city.  I gave him directions and he got there just fine.

This guy swags in with his messy hair and Jagermeister visor with a maroon button up shirt and a blue, down vest.  He got introduced to everyone and i goofily said "hi, I'm direction girl!" and stuck out my right hand for a good shake.  Yeah I felt like Baby in Dirty Dancing "I carried a watermelon?!"  If you don't know what i'm talking about, check this out: http://youtu.be/O38URvsTjjM

Anyway a bunch of us took off to the beach and I was hanging out with my friends, I saw Mr. lack of direction sitting on a rock and I walked over to him and asked to take the seat next to him.  He said sure and offered me a beer out of his pocket.  We sat on that rock for a while looking at the moonlight dance on the water.  There were a couple of dolphins or seals out there enjoying the night waters near the beach and offering us a delightful show.  We talked about why we wanted to be photographers and I can honestly say that I paired my first name with his last.  Something felt right that night, I hadn't felt like that in a long time.

The tide began to roll in and we were losing the beach, we hiked back up to the cars and back to the apartment where we continued to have a good time.  The night came to an end and everyone went their separate ways, we ended up staying the night together as I wouldn't let him leave due to him drinking and having to drive home, I took his keys from him. When the morning rolled around, he left his name on a book of matches and departed... i'd see him again, this was only the beginning.

Awakened Thoughts

I have a few months before I turn 30.  This comes as a time of reflection, a time of rebirth, a time of growth and a point in which I'm trying to intermingle my future, past and present.  In my twenties, I went to college, I fell in love, I got my dream job, I got engaged, my love fell apart, I lost my dream job and I moved home to live with my mother all mixed in with losing loved ones as part of the getting older process.

This Blog is about my journey in life.  Thirty is not a destination for me, I am still growing and learning and that love I lost... I'm going back to him, across the country and I am going to challenge some of my what if's in life.  A life of existence is not living, grab life with all the gusto you can, there is only one time around.  Stay Tuned....