Waves

BB and I have remained friends.  Its been a hard transition and though we do have blurred lines in our relationship, we have kept relatively even keeled on most things.  We are complicated at best, but it works for us.  Fast forward to now.. In the last couple of months, I have been talking with him about being a sperm donor in my life.  Yes I want another baby, but its complicated.. of course it is.  I've been in tears a lot of the day, back and forth thinking about things and its just fucked up and i don't want to deal with it anymore.  have i changed my stance?  no, i still want it to be him, but not at the cost of our friendship.

Lets go back a time or two and gain a little insight.  I had just come back from vacation with my daughter and was telling him i wish i had another, and how great it would be and fun, etc. and he says (jokingly)"well if you wanted to get knocked, up, i can help you with that"  so i said, don't joke about that shit.. but would you?  he said yeah he would and from there it created a dialogue.  Well of course my interested was piqued and I thought.. well hell. someone i trust, someone that is in good health, who has beautiful children, that would be amazing.  But there are certain complications to all that.

Before discussing any of it with me, he discussed it with two of his kids and his mom.  They all had the same conclusion, what would that mean for us, we are on board, but.. we would have a  (insert family member here), would we be able to see them, what would our role be and how will you (bb) feel emotionally.  This is all considering we spend a good bit of time together.

Of course that crosses my mind, what does that mean for everyone.  I talked to his daughter about it because we are fairly close and she talked to be about her concerns and i told her how i felt and it was a good conversation.  Its more than he and i have ever talked about it.  But he said he wants to talk to his lawyer friend, (fair) and figure it all out.  I told him that he and i need to talk more about where i'm coming from before all that, he has talked to everyone BUT me.  So he just takes all this one and doesn't consider where i'm at, what i want, what I would do, etc.  He doesn't want to raise another child, he is proud that his kids all came from the same woman, but seeing the child, would he be able to not be a "dad"  I've assured him that he can take whatever role he wants.. but this is what I want.  There is a lot to iron out.

So we hang out, we have sex and he finishes inside of me.. now this happens on multiple occasions and I always followed the rule that "actions speak louder than words"  it just kind of does.. so when he did that, my brain immediately thought.. wow.. he is really on board, so then I think.. ok maybe i'm pregnant, then let down when my period arrived.

Last night he comes over and we get to talking and he tells me.. my dad can't ever know, i haven't figured it out yet, i want to do this for you but i still have a lot to work out.. well shit.. then why would he even consider finishing inside of me if he wasn't sure?  He said its not like he would ask me to get rid of it if it happened but we would deal with it then.. I can't even fathom the zero sense that makes and my head goes spinning.  He tells me today that he feels pressured and at first it was flattering but its gone beyond that.  I don't even know what to do.. but i feel so let down, you dangle a carrot for someone, you act a certain way with them, then you're like, i'm not there?  this isnt the first time.. i was his girlfriend.. i was his gypsy.. then he wasn't ready.  Its like when it becomes to real for him, he blames the other person.. you got to close, or you made it too much, i felt pressured..

I'm hurt, my heart aches and i just want to wash my hands of him.  because its been hurting too much to be his friend.  I don't want to lose what we have, I don't want to lose his family, his daughter and his mom and his sons just mean the fucking world to me.  But I can't just keep on doing this.  You don't tell someone you will do something for them then say.. "but"

i'm fucking over being hurt by men.

Changes

I guess i'm not sure how to feel right now.  Last Friday, its currently Tuesday.. my love and I were talking and i mentioned that he hadn't answered or responded to several things i'd sent him.  I was asking him about an article, mentioned that my mom could take my kid overnight and that we could have an overnight together soon and he said, overnights, i'm not sure about that right now.. WHAT hold the brakes... hmm. So I asked him to call me, he said, you can't do this can you.. Well, i'm not even sure that that means.. last i knew, i was his girlfriend and things were ok.. he pulled back quite a bit and i was feeling it but i was so left in the dark.

One recurring theme in my life is that i realize that people often "spare my feelings"  am i too sensitive for the world?  perhaps,but I often want the best in it all that i don't see the bad.  Sadly though, i always feel that shift.  I know when things are different because I can feel it.

He called me and we talked for 3 hours.  Recently, he had seen his therapist and she mentioned to him, or reminded him, that he said he wasn't going to get into a relationship.. then he found me.  we connected on this real level that I haven't felt with anyone.. sure, i've said that in the past, but this time, i felt it.. i knew it was real.  He said he knew, and I"m not sure, as i cannot recall his response, but she said "how do you think that makes her feel".  smart gal, i like her.  She was right.. i'm putting in my all, I said I would love him in my all and i gave nothing less.  Whats the point if you're only half in.  That's not to say he was.. that just means why half ass something, especially your involvement in someone's feelings.  I knew he gave me all he had to give.

I asked him how long he had known.. he said a couple of weeks.. yes that's about when i felt the shift.. I was depressed, i thought it showed, he said i seemed fine but truth is, I pull back and get shy because I"m worried of losing him and I give more love.. I think that's what made it hard on him.  He didn't want to hurt me, he said, I wasn't ready to lose you in my life.  The truth is, I'm not either.  I told him we would always be friends.  Part of me will always hope that someday, he is my ever after,, I even told him that in the back of my mind, some of the best romances come from the best of friends.  In my head now, I know that's all a pipe dream.  I know he will find what he is looking for and I know that its not me.

He said what he needs is a friend.  That's what he thought i was.  I reminded him that he told me i was his lady, his girlfriend, and when we are out, i tell people "I'm with BB"  I also reminded him that he said he would love nothing more than to give my child a sibling and for them to carry on his name.  I reminded him that he said if he were in a different place he would marry me and make my child his.  What woman, who is already falling for this amazing, incredible soul, would not want to hear those things. and what woman would not fall harder.. Sure, when he told me he found his gypsy, I told him it wasn't fair for him to say that, but that doesn't mean it didn't resonate somewhere in my heart, in my soul, in my head..  I have cried many tears... this one by far is the hardest.  We are still friends, I'm going over to his house tonight to watch the show "This is us". He is making cauliflower soup and I have been instructed to sit next to him.

This is going to be a hard road.. I don't think I will be in his life long.. I would want to hope for the best, but I usually am not wrong with my intuition, i just like to ignore it and pretend I don't see it for what it is.

BB, you will always be loved and have a great place in my heart.  we connected our souls and intertwined our lives.. yes.. you were right, you were my "#2"  I always knew you would be.  I just didn't want you to know, because all of this would have crushed you more than it did already..

gypsy love

He read the letter, he cried, he called me, he tells me I mean the world to him.  Remember how much he abhors the phone?  we spent 5 hours on it the other night.. I haven't done that since I had my first boyfriend.  I connect with him so immensely.  One night we went to the local hot springs and we had some beer, and we drank and swam and talked and something I said made him grab my waist, look me deep in my eyes and say " I have found my gypsy"  I told him he can't say that and at the same time tell me that we are not forever... gosh, it can all be so confusing.  I would love nothing more than to be that for him, to love him for all of my days but I"m not counting my chickens.  One night we made love, we did not have sex but we laid in bed naked just talking to one another.


 It was the night of the super moon and we just connected and cried and laughed and shared our lives.  That's what love is to me... sharing and giving and receiving love and an experience so profound with another person that it deepens the bond between the souls.  Have I had this before?  I thought so.  Perhaps things change over time, we grow in love as we get older, we find the captivating nature in another that bonds us over the lust and fleeting love we once knew.  Some say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I am thankful for my experience in that department.  True love in my life.. i thought I had it time and time again, but this time, I do believe that he loves me wholly and truly.  The night we made love he looked into my eyes and said, "I do want to ruin all men for you, you deserve to know what its like to be loved truly."  that last part is a little hazy but that's the gist.

Loving a man like him is easy.  We all have our baggage, we have our stories, but when you receive what you give out, its the most fucking magnificent thing out there.  As I said, contentment.  He is warmth, he is kindness, caring, love and heart. At the end, I hope this is a big chapter in love for me..

Letter to my BB

Contentment in a relationship has not often found me.  I don't feel like I have anyone to be other than myself.  This is how it is supposed to be, yeah?  perhaps.  I wrote a letter to him and gave it to him which i was going to post here but its rather long.. and I have a lot to say, perhaps I make two posts today.. Here is the letter I gave him:

11/8/16

BB,

I thought about writing you an open letter on my blog but that would require me giving you a link. I don’t think I’m ready for that.  Furthermore, neither are you.

We’ve discussed on many occasions that we, as a union, are a temporary fixture in time.  We do have different paths and discussing it every time we talk doesn’t help feeling the impending doom of our finality in our current euphoric state of love.  We both know the time will come. 

As I said tonight, I deserve to be loved as much as I deserve to give love and vice versa.  Saying that we one day have an expiration date just takes away from what we are experiencing.

Truth is - I love you- you love me and the last thing we want to do is hurt one another.  I feel that maybe you telling me all of this also helps keep you grounded, you don’t think I see your walls.  You’re afraid to get hurt as much as I am.  But I need you to trust in that love, trust that, as friends, we will know that line and respect it.

I’m not the perfect, or “ideal her” for you.  I’m not good enough for that. I’m ok with that. I know you want to love me with your whole being but want to also see that wall you set in place to protect your also tender heart.

You’ve been broken before – I won’t break you.  I can promise to love you and give you the best love I can give. 

Have you ever seen the movie Gattaca?  If not, we will watch it together- but know this- “ I never saved anything for the swim back.”
Maybe that’s cryptic - to me, what I mean is I’m giving you my all because that’s how I know to love.  Understand I know what lies ahead and embrace that my heart will survive.  I don’t plan on holding back and protecting my heart - if you love someone, you give them your all.

You tell me – “If I was in a different place, I’d marry you and make her (my daughter) mine.”  Tonight you said if I had your child, they would have your last name- if that were ever the case, I’d plead for my daughter to also be a (his last name).  You tell me these things to tell me how much I mean to you - how much you love me – I see that.  But in the end, regardless of what you say and what we both long for – the stars have only aligned for - well, for whatever it is we are supposed to have.

In the end, can we just live that - be free to take it one step at a time – fall in love with every piece of one another and just enjoy the moments as they come?

Thinking about the future only dampens the here and now – I want to live in the moment, to ride the wave and just be. 

I could easily love you for the rest of my days – I see it in your eyes and I feel it in my soul.  I could just as easily tell you I’d love nothing more than for you to give my daughter a sibling and we forever share that bond in which we’ve given life and all that comes with it, but when we get down to the brass tacks, you’re a force not to be tied down.  You need to live and explore your life in a different way.  You’ll love me forever and I you- I’d even give you Spain- because I know it’s in your desires.

In the end, I give you all of me because that’s all I have to give.

You are meant to love me, to show me what a true love should be.  I do not yet know what my purpose in your life is, but I know we will discover that in time.

You’ll be my forever friend

I will be ok.

Love me for now – Love me always.

But follow your path as I will follow where my stars lead -  Know this – don’t worry about me, I’ll always be your friend and I will be your lover as long as I am meant to be.

Love your Boho Gypsy- 

Just be.

How can time fly when it stands still. This week has been the longest, in a good way, of my life. My bohemian love is blooming in this incredible way.. my explanation of how things are going would pale in comparison in what I'm actually living. I've never been a word smith but I speak from the heart. My heart is content. It's an odd feeling. In the past I've always had this feeling of insecurity and uncertainty. I thought that's what it was supposed to feel like. Why does it feel so different this time? Why is it so perfect? Shall I even label it 'perfect'? Why wouldn't I?
This evening BB made dinner for me, my daughter, his daughter and it was like this great family night engagement. I wasn't sure what to think of it. As I said in the past, I am cautious about introducing men to my daughter. I even sent my best friend a picture of BB and my daughter reading and drawing. She said "introducing him to the babe already?" I told her it was different.. there are no issues in this space. I don't know, everything feels so right but there is this but.
He told me that it was a shame that we didn't meet 3 years ago and she wasn't his. He also mentioned that he didn't really get this time with his daughter.. There was some difficulties in the relationship with his ex and his daughter just having this space apart. As he sits here now playing with my girl, he says " I missed so much" I know that he is loving on my love. I think part of him has a guilt that is picking up on lost time. But I know that's totally separate than what he is feeling with my daughter. Its a hard dynamic to wrap our heads around.

I was on the couch breastfeeding my love and he said, "can i be a part of this moment?" He sat beside us as he caressed my head and hers.. just taking in the moment. His daughter came in and he said something referencing her and him but said "daddy" i took it to mean that he is his daughters daddy but to him he had a moment where he felt like mine was his. He stepped outside and took time away.from us. I asked him about it and he said he didn't want to claim ownership to her. He and i are in such different places and all this is hard for me to wrap my head around but i'm trying to not define all of this and fuck it up. The funny thing is, I don't want to. i want to be. Just be



He and I have a profound love and respect for one another. Its only been a week but we have this magic bond between us... like I said "perfect" FUCK ME. I don't want a father for my girl, but he does want to be in her life forever, I have promised him that. I know he will be, that's the beauty of it. The bittersweet moment in all of this is I'm just afraid that that's all she is going to get is that good enough??. Not because he and I have different paths but because I'm afraid that he may be the best she ever gets.. and it may just be a blink in the span of beauty she will experience. I hope she remembers all she can.. He is a good man, a loving man.. my heart is full.

The Bohemian Biker

What do you do with a man who tells you not to fall in love with him?  If reading any of this has told you anything, you all know how easily it is for me to open my heart and let someone in and give them love.  I'm the girl that loves.  I posted a picture on facebook of a cactus shaped like a heart, a little critter had eaten out a part of it leaving a chunk missing in the top center resembling a heart.  I captioned it as "cactus heart" and my girlfriend said "yup, i'm sure that's what the bug that was eating it was aiming for" and I countered, "the bug loves love" and she said "fat ol' bug just loves cactus... you love love and I love you for that."

I do, I'm the girl that loves love.  perhaps its something I have always wanted, that whimsical romance, the movie ending , the fairytale.  But its never like that for me.. I figure everyone deserves love... I'd love to love, whether I have a fleeting romance or a lifetime love, I just want to love and be loved.  Can't blame someone for wanting that.

Fast forward to where I am now.  I've been talking to the Bohemian Biker, or BB for short, and turns out we knew each other in a past time in our lives.  He happened to be friends with my brother in their youth and he recalls me as being the bratty little kid sister.  We hadn't known that when we initially messaged on the dating site.  He intrigued me a couple of years ago.  Truth be told, I had been on there when I was pregnant, looking for someone to occupy my time and just enjoy their company.  I was about to embark on a life changing endeavor of becoming a mother and I was looking for companionship.  I tried messaged him and I wasn't able to because I needed to upgrade my profile.  It wasn't meant to be...  A couple years later, I come across him again and just can't help myself.  Not only is he very good looking, he has this incredibly well written and thought out profile and I just could not resist.

A month later and we finally meet for the first time.  We have an incredible first night and we spend hours talking on the phone and enjoying each others stories and company after that.  This is someone who hates the phone but tonight he said my voice is so calming to him and as much as he abhors the phone, he looks forward to just talking to me on it. FUCK.. I enjoy it too.. but he tells me, and this isn't the first time we've talked about it.. he says, "your profile says you're going to California, I don't want you to fall so deeply in love with me that you change your path and stay here."  He wasn't saying that to be vain, and said he wasn't worth someone changing their stars for.. also not to degrade himself.. I know where he is coming from... I know what he means.

I told my niece today that this is going to be the man that ruins all other men for me.  Never have I ever felt so comfortable being around someone and just standing there in his kitchen tonight, he leaned in, kissed me and took me by surprise.  The first night, we danced in his kitchen, he played me music, he makes art.. he is just a force..

I will fall in love with this man.  I know this, I know how I operate.  I told him I need to put up walls because I don't want to be hurt.  I do want to enjoy it for what it is.  We know our endings have different paths but we so want to experience a piece of life with one another.  I want another child, his are grown.  It's a complicated scenario.. I don't know what I need from it.. I do know that he crossed my path more than once in this life and this was the time for us to meet.  People are in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,, and though he may be here for a lifetime as a friend, as that what we both want..  I know there is a reason he is here.  as it stands, he is the father of the zodiac and I the mother.. we will have a connection of great force , I know it.

He met my daughter tonight.. I vowed that I would never let  a man meet her until I dated him for a significant amount of time.  I broke that vow. he knows his daughter will get attached to me, and my daughter will get attached to him.. both of us know we will likely fall in love with each other.. but what he fears is that i will fall so deeply that my blinders will go on and see only him.  It reminded me of is this quote that I came across, it's true..

But the ironic thing.. California is my heart of hearts.  It is going to take some time to get to where I need to be there.. but whats to say your path can't change and evolve.  My business will take time to get up and running there.  I just signed a lease on an apartment for a year.. its not going to happen overnight.  But what if I do fall in love.. with him or someone else.  I thought about it when I was dating the last guy.  If I fall for him, I know he doesn't want to leave this state.  That said, what do I do?  I have always believed in this "life is too short to not love what you're doing and who you're spending your time with"  The rest is all relative, is it not?  I can do my business anywhere and that's the glory of it.  I thought about, if I fell for someone and we wanted to make a life together.  How do I balance that in which I love and that in who I love.  The fact is, where I live currently is cheap.  My occupation affords me to travel in my life and experience what I need and want to gain from the career.  If I wanted to market to advertisers, I can do that.  They can be in Cali, or NYC or wherever and I can jet off to these places and fulfill my need and desire for that  piece.  They say that the grass is always greener.. if I move from my landlocked state, will my appreciation for the ocean depreciate?  I did that with the mountains.  I took them for granted when I was here and missed them when I am gone.  I am in a constant state of nostalgia.  I long for the good memories in the life I experienced.  I sometimes live in a the world of future thoughts and past memories that give me the false sense of reality for my present.  

Do I want to live in California?  Yes.  Do I want to fall in love? Yes.  Can I have both? Yes.  Can I fall in love with someone here that will stay here?  that's yet to be determined.  I don't want to change my life plan or life path for someone, for anyone other than myself.. but I do think about it, about the balance and compromise.  I can travel and live and love the things I love about california.. from anywhere.. If I live here, work in bigger cities and make more money while living cheaply, I don't really have to "live" here.. I can live everywhere. and have this as home base.  Nothing is ever set in stone and life is ever changing.. I don't know how to convey all of these thoughts to someone that won't think I'm a lunatic for that.  I would never change my life for him, but I would change it for me.. but if all of these things really happened.. would he see it that way??  He will break me, he will push me and my heart will ache.  It will ache like it never has ached.. but I know this is a man who will forever be a friend.. he may start out as a lover but people like him don't come around but seldom on a dream in the wind...

Perhaps I will have a story like this one day.. Have your tissues ready (AUDIO)  I have always wanted a romance that left me knowing that I loved with all I had and that it was beyond me as to why it had to end.. not because I was unloved, but because I loved too much and it was just the end..  to love freely.. without abandon.  the story is in the stars and one day I will know what it all meant.  for now.. I'm going to enjoy BB and be loved that I should have been all along, if only for a small slice in my time here.

Intuition, trust it

I wonder sometimes why i update.  it seems like When i have the positive things to say, shit just goes down the tubes after that.. A once hopeful woman who has been torn in pieces, little by little her heart fades yet the love and inspiration to love stays strong.  Some might call me a glutton for punishment and others admire the moments I can get back up and get back out there.  A girlfriend of mine says, I don't think i could date at this age.. She has been married for 15 years and yeah it gets a little tougher when you're older.

So the Adorkable dude.. so much for communication, I didn't re-read the last post but the short of the long, my intuition is on point.  That said, I sensed some distance from him and he wasn't as sweet and lovey dovey honeymoon phase with his emoticons and i posted on reddit on /r/relationships for advice but was met with the fact that I have unrealistic expectations.  I am certainly not the best at explaining things and making the facts on point because i always forget pieces here and there that need to be added in later.  Either way, i was basically told that I shouldn't expect him to text me right away when I text him.. The person missed the point entirely.  I texted him, didn't hear from him for over a day and a half.  This is after we I would hear from him in the morning with "good morning, sunshine" texts.  Shit was fading and I'm no dummy.

I had a dream, I dreamed that i was with him and talking to him about things and said i had a feeling he was dating other people or went on a date, he assured me he had and I said, I know we're not exclusive but I don't want to date other people and I don't know how I feel about it.  I don't think i can get on board.  and i woke up feeling like shit.  I hate dreams like that.  anyway, I went on the dating site i found him on and looked from my hidden and deactivated profile.. surprisingly you can do that.  and I searched for his age, his height and his city.. sure as shit, he made a new profile.  So i texted him and said "hey I noticed you're back on the site, are you still interested in dating me?"  I felt like it was a fair question and it backfired, he said, i could ask you the same thing.  well he didn't answer the question he just deflected.  It turned in to me telling him how i had a feeling and he said "you expect me to believe you have ESP, i made the profile less than 8 hours ago."  He was really pissed, showed his true colors, wouldn't even talk to me on the phone said he didn't believe me that i had a feeling about it.  well sorry i rely on that like no other and i'm usually spot on so go fuck yourself, chief.

Anyway I ended up having a pretty shitty time and felt like my heart was ripped out because i really liked him.  It kind of kick started me in getting my shit togther though.  since him, I started working from home with the potential to make 25% more than i was making working and i have been focusing more on my business as well.  I get keys to my new apartment in a couple days and life is good.  After he "dumped" me i went back on the dating site, messaged a guy i had been intimidated talking to for nearly two years.. and this time he wrote me back.  He is a bohemian biker dude and i'm waiting for his phone call.  A dude who hates to be on the phone but spent 4.5 hours with me on the phone last night.  He's not my mr. forever, but he is someone I think who came into my life for a reason.  my heart is full.